2020 sucked. In so many ways that it doesn’t need repeating. Anything that I say will never take away from the pain and hardship of those who have experience personally the loss or illness of a loved one from Covid-19. And yet, for many of us, life goes on. We try to make the best of it, and at times, we end up in a better place.

I finished 2019 doubting whether having a child was the right choice. I don’t know if I ever had a realistic perspective of what could have happened in St. Petersburg. It may all have been an illusion, just a wish for someone in my life. Instead, it was the end of a dream. Tears, heartbreak, and a loss of confidence. That’s what I associated with 2019.

Now I look back and smile. My life is so much better. Back home, my own family, and quite content with the circle of friends I have. I’m not ‘looking’ for that one person who could make he whole. I am whole.

in 2019, I waited for good things to happen. At times, they did. The best thing I did, starting the path toward becoming a mom, was a blessing. I wished I could say that I did it for all the right reasons. No, I did it because the alternative, never having a child, had become all too real. Little did I know that the Covid shutdowns earlier this year allowed me to spend months just being a mom. I will always cherish the time we had together, a gift many don’t have the luxury to experience.

Looking back, I never was the person I really wanted to be. Being older than my classmates in New York, older than many of the professors, life was complicated. Making true friends was hard. Being myself, with all my faults and quirks was almost impossible. At least it was impossible to show who I really was.

Only when I travelled with friends and former clients, then I could finally let go and be myself. But those opportunities were rare. London, Paris, and St. Petersburg were all amazing in their own way, but all temporary blips in an otherwise desolate landscape.

Now I’m home. Back in the city that shaped me, back among friends who have known me for decades. There is no pretending, no need to ‘show off’, of pressure to conform. I can be myself and my friends love me for who I am. Many know about my past, they don’t care. They share my kinks, and take advantage of me when I let them.

A new job, one that I would never have gotten had I stayed in New York, and one that is making use of all the things I learned studying in the US, is a blessing and a new beginning. Gone are the days when I had more time than I knew what to do with, gone is the uncertainty about what comes next. Of course, it’s weird to start a job during Covid restrictions, but so much better than not having one. That, I’m truly grateful for.

My body has changed. It’s visible that I’m more mature. That I don’t pass for late 20s anymore. But I’m proud of the shape I’m in, and the changes that will endure. At the end of 2019, I had to remove my piercings. I loved them. Now, that I’m no longer breastfeeding, I just had them repierced. They are still sore and need a lot of aftercare. Unlike the first time I had them done, I now have the patience to give them time to heal.

Last, but by no means least, I have the support of my friend that allows me to live life as much as is possible during these weird times. Some (Sara, that means you!) use me as their personal play toy, others are just there to help with my growing family. I love them all, friends and family alike.

So, for all it’s faults, and there were many, 2020 was a good year.

Wicked Wednesday