Ever since my St. Petersburg drama, I really haven’t thought much about relationships. Intimacy, at least for a while, was out the window. For a while, during the lock-down in New York, I even thought about giving up on seeking a relationship – ever. I was pretty depressed.
Getting back home, I’m realizing how much the environment I live in sets the tone for my life. From the occasional ‘hi’ to the casual fuck, the kinky games that Sierra would play, it all just seemed pretty meaningless.
Now I’m in a different place, emotionally and physically. I have a different life. I don’t feel the need to escape anymore. Quite the opposite, I can’t wait for the rest of my life to begin. And it begins with getting my own brain in order.
My brain is messed up – in good ways and in bad. I’m flirty, fun, outgoing, and at the same time put up a wall when anyone comes too close. Part of it is my own past, but for the rest I have no good explanation.
Intimacy is alien to me. I think it is. Part of me still lives in the escort world where I sell the illusion of intimacy. I live my life with more personalities than I care to count — I have a blogging and writing name, an old escort name, an adopted name, a real life name, and then there are a few more. It’s fucked up.
I escape easily. Just like I push people away. There is only one common in my life, and that’s a very self-centered view of kink and intimacy. To the extent it’s even a thing, I feel very comfortable with who I am. So comfortable, that it’s easily intimidating to others.
While in New York, I toned it down quite a bit. But now that I’m back home, it feels like I have to make up for lost time. I’m not twenty anymore (fortunately!).
So, I don’t really know what intimacy is. I know how it feels when I play with my own body, then there is no fear of doing something wrong, or being intimidating. But intimacy with others, that’s a different story.
Maybe I’ve been intimate in the eyes of others, but it never felt that way from my side. I do crazy stuff. Go out with a butt plug, or other sex toys that keep me going no matter who I’m with. I build a bubble around myself. Within the bubble is a world of kink and emotional bliss. I’m not sure I’m ready for the bubble to burst.
I’ve got some work ahead of me. I just don’t know whether I really want to see what life without emotional protection would be like. The past was not pretty.
very nice
Thank you, sindee!
I wish you all the best and whomever ends up being your partner it sounds like they are in for one hell of a time.
Thanks! Partner or not, the next weeks will be like it’s 1999. xo
the more i read. the more i want you to control my cock and balls
…asking me to control them is playing with fire. I truly don’t have any dominant skills and cannot be held liable for my actions. xo
This definitely is a time of getting to know your inner self in new ways and explore new dimensions or revisit previously enjoyed elements within yourself or with playmates. It also is a time to be compassionate and kind with yourself. Spend time listening within yourself—not talking or thinking. And as you venture into being with people, trying out different relationships, take your time, listen within for body mind heart messages about where you are and who you’re with and how you’re beginning to play together or take your leave of them, finding a new sandbox or beach with new playmates. This is a new beginning with new opportunities and a new Garden of Francesca to explore and create.
Thanks, David. That’s what I’m trying to do, although I have to confess that I’m really itching to get back into the action after the past 9 months were sort of a dry spell. But it’s all good now. I’m trying to plant a lot of flowers in my new Garden of Francesca. xoxo
Think of the 9 months as your “garden” lying fallow, preparing itself and you to be plowed and plow.😉
Francesca what a glimpse into your beautiful unique multifaceted mind, I love how you embrace your kink and live out your fantasies whoever does get past those walls and barriers you put up will be very lucky. I want to delve deep into that mind if you would let me? Jonathan
Thanks, Jonathan. You can try to delve into my mind – I put out there what I can, although it’s quite a jungle in there…. xoxo
I wish for you to find a partner who shows you how beautiful intimacy can be, and how safe you can feel when letting down your guard. And of course that the partner is as kinky as you 😉
~ Marie
Thanks, Marie. I’m sure I will, eventually. In the meantime, I’m not waiting for Prince Charming to come into my life. There is so much good about where I am right now, it’s already a huge step up. xoxo
I too find intimacy difficult as trust is involved – but I do try – as we have to risk in life IMO. I wish you so much happiness Francesca – I think you have a great life, loves and fun ahead of you
May xx
Thanks, May! I do have a great life right now. I am actually feeling to liberated and free, I first have to get used to that feeling again. Then I can tackle the hard part. xoxo
I read this before but for some reason I don’t think my comment worked. Anyway, I think I can understand having a fear of intimacy. I imagine that your work made it hard and to be strong enough you had to avoid real intimacy. I am sure with time you will be able to take the calculated risks which lead to developing a trust with someone. As you say, everything feels different now and that, surely, is a good place to start. 😊 missy x
Sorry you had to try more than once with your comment. I hope it’s working now. I think the ‘calculated risk’ is my starting point. And even though I’m back home, I’m also for the first time making it really my home. That’s changing a lot of things. It may also change how I learn to open up more over time. xoxo
If something ends, then soon there will be something new.
I’m sure you’re right. I’m going with the flow right now – who knows where that will lead to. xoxo
I wish you success as you delve into yourself and attempt to trust. I’m in my second marriage and this time there is intimacy. There really wasn’t in my first marriage—despite it lasting 17 years. It was worth the wait for my second…
Oh, I hope I don’t have to go through 17 years first before it works out the way I’d hope! But then again, maybe I’ve already learned from the past 17 years how important intimacy is and now just need to take that next step. I know it’s worth the wait…xoxo
I think there is always room for intimacy if you can take the time and strength to find it. I had the illusion of intimacy for many years in a previous relationship. Sometimes it just presents it self without warning!
I thought in previous relationships that it hit me, but then it came back to bite me. I’m not desperate to find it – there are a lot of other good things happening in my life right now. Maybe this time, if it presents itself without warning, I won’t be so startled. xoxo
I can relate- I’m not good with intimacy. At all! I wish you luck on your journey x
I went through a similar situation back in the 80s when I was an escort in LA. Life lost meaning in terms of my identity and intimacy went out the window. I became who I represented myself as an escort. That fake name became real and that persona became me. Part of that was the shield myself from the lifestyle, which was amazing and troubling at the same time, but the other part was to shield myself from the stuff I was paid to do. When people, men especially have too much money and too much time they will inevitably go down that dark rabbit hole of sexual depravity. The stuff I was paid to do I will never be able to forget. You just eventually learn to live with it and learn from it. I did eventually get my identity back and my intimacy, as I’m sure you will too, but it took a lot of self-reflection. Good luck and if you ever want to vent to someone’s who’s older and gone through it, vent away. I’m a good listener.