Ever since my St. Petersburg drama, I really haven’t thought much about relationships. Intimacy, at least for a while, was out the window. For a while, during the lock-down in New York, I even thought about giving up on seeking a relationship – ever. I was pretty depressed.

Getting back home, I’m realizing how much the environment I live in sets the tone for my life. From the occasional ‘hi’ to the casual fuck, the kinky games that Sierra would play, it all just seemed pretty meaningless.

Now I’m in a different place, emotionally and physically. I have a different life. I don’t feel the need to escape anymore. Quite the opposite, I can’t wait for the rest of my life to begin. And it begins with getting my own brain in order.

My brain is messed up – in good ways and in bad. I’m flirty, fun, outgoing, and at the same time put up a wall when anyone comes too close. Part of it is my own past, but for the rest I have no good explanation.

Intimacy is alien to me. I think it is. Part of me still lives in the escort world where I sell the illusion of intimacy. I live my life with more personalities than I care to count — I have a blogging and writing name, an old escort name, an adopted name, a real life name, and then there are a few more. It’s fucked up.

I escape easily. Just like I push people away. There is only one common in my life, and that’s a very self-centered view of kink and intimacy. To the extent it’s even a thing, I feel very comfortable with who I am. So comfortable, that it’s easily intimidating to others.

While in New York, I toned it down quite a bit. But now that I’m back home, it feels like I have to make up for lost time. I’m not twenty anymore (fortunately!).

So, I don’t really know what intimacy is. I know how it feels when I play with my own body, then there is no fear of doing something wrong, or being intimidating. But intimacy with others, that’s a different story.

Maybe I’ve been intimate in the eyes of others, but it never felt that way from my side. I do crazy stuff. Go out with a butt plug, or other sex toys that keep me going no matter who I’m with. I build a bubble around myself. Within the bubble is a world of kink and emotional bliss. I’m not sure I’m ready for the bubble to burst.

I’ve got some work ahead of me. I just don’t know whether I really want to see what life without emotional protection would be like. The past was not pretty.

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