Right now, it’s very tempting to live in a world of fiction. Many of the freedoms we enjoyed seem out of reach. The truth can be too harsh, and, frankly, often depressing. At least that’s the case for me personally, living at this moment in time in the US — the ‘land of liberty and freedom’. Don’t get me wrong, I love the country and the people, but the rest of it is fucked up.
So, what do I do? I imagine what could have been. The way my life should be at this moment. And that’s a slippery slope when writing a blog entry. What’s truth and what’s fiction often gets commingled. This is the time for me to come clean with some truths. And also reveal what’s fiction. My attempt at regaining my freedom.
Here we go…
Truth: I’m a openly confessing rubber fetishist. I’m not addicted, but I simply love the smell of it, the touch, the feel, and most of all, the sensation of wearing a second skin over my body. It does make me feel like a superhero. That’s my world.
Fiction: I’m not some poor unemployed graduate, looking for a job, being depressed about having to return to Germany.
Truth: I’m well taken care off, I have saved enough to be financially independent, but I cannot let go of my former escort live. Do I still see ‘friends’? Yes, I do. Does Covid put a pause to it? Yes, it does. Did I graduate from Columbia this summer? Yes, I did. Did I really look for a job in the US? No, I never bothered. Had I always planned to return to Germany? Yes, I had. What job will I have in Germany? The most important one of all – you can figure out the rest.
Fiction: Since about March, I started using Photoshop for some of my pictures. There are the obvious reasons – my body was changing rapidly. But then there are the more emotional reasons. I couldn’t accept that I had a closet full of latex gear and nothing would fit. Even worse, I had none of my regular partners to play with. I couldn’t even find anyone, given all the covid restrictions. So, I’m sorry if some of you didn’t realize that more recent pictures were photo-shopped.
Truth: I did spend the last few years in New York and did move to Maryland at the end of April. My life here is calm, quiet, but we have a lot of time together. Something that I would probably never have had without the Covid restrictions. We play in the yard, see bunnies, smell flowers, and even have a swing-set. It’s the best part of my life, and there is nothing kinky about it.
Fiction: I’m drawing a blank now.
Truth: When I mark an entry as ‘Fiction’, it largely is. But there is always a kernel of truth embedded.
Truth: Every location I’ve blogged about, I’ve been to. Everything I’ve blogged about, I’ve done. Every like and dislike I’ve blogged about, is true.
Biggest truth of all: My St. Petersburg entries. There is not a single word that I regret writing, not a single word that wasn’t real. The emotional roller-coaster was something I still think of. I just can’t let go. Of all the times I have spent with someone, this is the time when I most felt alive; when being a slut, a whore, a fucktoy was all I wanted to be. I saw him again after St. Petersburg for a few days. I never wrote about it. Maybe someday I will.
Truth: I don’t know whether I’m submissive or not. I have never felt more alive than being a submissive cum sucking whore, who is used without having a choice. I love to be overpowered, taken my freedom away, being locked in restraints, transformed into a rubberdoll. But those occasions are rare. I real life, I intimidate people. I am opinionated, argumentative, and a fucking pain in the ass for anyone who believes they’re better than others.
Fake: I got one more. I’m not ‘looking’ and I’m not lonely. On Twitter, I tease. I love to do that, but not because I actually would like to find someone for real. In my DMs, I’m honest and I don’t think I’ve ever said something that was made up. But my tweets are meant to be amusing and not serious.
Truth: Sex with women is better, but sucking cock is awesome!