Unwanted Adventures

I made this picture. Now I’m trying to figure out what it means. This is not going to be a long post, because I don’t know what to write. But I know what I feel. Bear with me, I’ll close my eyes, and let my fingers type what goes through my head.

I don’t belong here. I don’t even want to be here anymore. And now the world is closing in on me. I thought I could just return to Germany and we’d be fine. Now it looks like that isn’t going to be so easy. The pandemic is totally fucking my over. By myself, I might be able to cope with it. That’s hard enough. But I’m no longer by myself.

I just want to escape. Run away, just disappear. Be in a place nobody knows. That’s when I get stupid. But it felt so good until I realized how close to the edge I was.

Don’t ever do any kind of edgeplay by yourself. Breathplay is a thrill for two, not for one.

I can’t sleep. Nothing turns me on, nothing sparks even the slightest bit of interest in me. I couldn’t masturbate. Nothing worked. I pull out my gasmask, look at it, and don’t turn back. Inside is my place to hide. I’ve done it a hundred times, but never when I wanted to run away so badly. Just the gas mask isn’t good enough tonight.

There is a plastic bag; some duct tape. I’ve done this before, but never at night. The bag is tight over my head, and a pencil works to punch a small breathing hole through it. Then cames the duct tape. Some people use strips, but I just keep wrapping it around my head. The pencil holds the hole open.

I don’t care how tight it is, the tighter the better. My jaw is locked in place by the time the tape runs out. I barely have enough sense to fold the end over so I’d find it again. I have emergency scissors but don’t bother looking for them. Stupid me.

Breathing is not too bad. Before the gas mask makes it harder. I brake off the little rubber tip at the end of the pencil. It could inside the hole at the end of the rebreather.

I’m on autopilot. Running away without thinking where I’m going. I try to think of something erotic, but nothing comes up. My head only feels the panic of being stuck in a place I don’t want to be.

The rubber tip requires a bit of pushing to get into the end of the rebreather bag. The only opening to the rest of the world. My brain is a blank, just panic and a desire to get away from here. Away from this hell.

I can’t breathe anymore. My sweatpants fly off in a second; I haven’t masturbated in days. No air. I couldn’t blow out the rubber plug, and the thought of taking off the gas mask doesn’t even enter my mind.

Passing out is just a fantasy, nothing I’ve ever experienced. I have no idea how long I can stay alert without any air, but then, I’m not looking for air. The point of the gas mask was to keep me away from it, running out doesn’t frighten me one bit.

Now I want to come. Now I wanted to escape in an orgasm. It had been so long that I don’t even have to try.

Not that I have much time.

I’m probably close to passing out when that familiar feeling of a good orgasm built up in my pussy. I can tell it’s not going to be great, but it will do. Just a few more seconds. Don’t let me pass out now.

I didn’t. But I was stupid. I could have and that would have been it. I was stupid, but I had my reasons. I know what those reasons feel like, they are not rational. That makes it worse, they are impossible to fight off. Can I say that I won’t be stupid again? No, not as long as the world around me is so fucked up.


25 thoughts on “Unwanted Adventures

    1. I haven’t replied to any comments on this post, because I didn’t want to look at my blog. I’m sorry for that. Honestly, now that the EU has continued the travel ban for the US, I’m glad. It makes me actually feel better. As EU citizens, we can travel back, even if we may have to go into self-quarantine. But I don’t feel so trapped anymore, and most of all, I don’t feel that my sense of the madness that’s going on here is just in my head. Sometimes it helps if ‘institutions’ affirm what I feel. At the moment, the way the US is handling COVID poses a risk to the rest of the world. xoxo

      1. You are experiencing the same trapped feelings as I have and a good many others too. Social isolation has been a method of torture implemented by the cia to ‘break ‘ prisoners, so naturally and I am sure knowingly it will have the same effect on people.
        I was just scared for you and I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you. The world needs you. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗🤗

    1. I’m sorry, I couldn’t look at my own blog for a few days. It will get better. And with the EU continuing its travel ban for the US, I’m actually glad that it’s not just in my head. Others apparently also feel that it is not safe how the US is handling COVID. Fortunately, it looks like we can go back in September, even if it may be with two weeks of self-quarantine. I do feel better, more hopeful that we’re getting through this. xoxo

  1. Francesca, you look like a futuristic fighter, mentally gearing yourself to confront the battle going on around you and surmount the chaos by going inward before you take your next steps. The battle plan isn’t clear. The hoped for companions, lovers, or friends are not visible.
    Fight, fuck, or flee are classic physical, emotional, and behavioral options when facing conflict. In your flowing thoughts I hear you mentally exploring a fourth option of “forget about it. I give up. I don’t want to give up, but I’m tired . I don’t see any heroine or hero coming to help me feel safe and hopeful. What the f@#$% do I do?”
    Hold onto a vision of you and your little one being in a beautiful garden with newly made friends, possibly single mothers with their infants. “I can’t let my baby down so I’m not going to give up.”
    This may sound like nonsense. What has helped me dig deeper in myself to keep going, to take the next step, is thinking of my 3 daughters and my 3 grandsons. That I can’t desert them and leave them with the burden of my death.

    1. I couldn’t stand to look at my own blog for days. But now that I know we can return to Germany, and at the same time I’m not the only one who considers the US a health hazard for the rest of the world, I actually do feel better. It’s been rough, but I see a window with a bit of light shining in. xoxo

  2. Of all the different kinks I have been asked for … and I’ve been asked for lots and lots !!! … breathplay is not something I would ever agree to indulge my subs with. I love the hoods and masks … and you wear yours so well … but there must always be an opening !!!
    Xxx – K

    1. I went too far this time. Not because I was looking for some amazing thrill, but because I didn’t care. That was stupid and careless. More a reflection of my mental state than anything else. I’m better now, xoxo.

    1. I feel like I’m coming back to my own self. These were a few rough days. The whole Covid is getting to me and I’m feeling trapped. I was actually glad that the EU continues the ban for travelers from the US. It’s like someone else saying, ‘yes, you’re right, it’s not just in your head.’ Fortunately, we can go back to Germany, even if it means quarantine for two weeks. I’m feeling better, thanks for being there, Posy, xoxo

  3. I am a new follower. You appear to be an amazing woman but please take care. Breath play is very dangerous when done alone. I hope you feel better soon. This pandemic won’t last forever. You will be able to travel and meet others again. Stay safe!

    1. Hi MIchael. I am usually more upbeat, but the US response to COVID is getting to me. Now that the EU has continued the travel ban for the US, I actually feel better. It’s like others saying, ‘we agree with you – this is not OK’. Fortunately, we can travel, although likely with quarantine when we arrive, but that seems like a small price to pay. I’m usually not so careless and stupid when I play. This was just a really bad couple of days. xoxo

      1. I understand. Canada is debating opening the border with the States. Everyone I know doesn’t want this to happen. The behaviour of far too many Americans is antithetical to beating this virus. Stay safe! I have enjoyed your blog so far and will try and read some of your older entries as I go.

  4. Oh Francesca, please take care of yourself. It sounds like you are in a dark place now. The world is just so f’d up at the moment. I hope the light finds you.
    ~ Marie

    1. I couldn’t look at my own blog for a few days. This was a bad stretch, though now that the EU has extended the travel ban for the US, at least I feel that it’s not just in my head. Sometimes it’s good to hear from ‘leaders’ that by any standard, the US is totally out of control when it comes to the COVID response. Fortunately, we can still travel back. That’s my light at the end of the tunnel. xoxo

  5. I can understand the need to do something that makes you feel and sets you free but please be careful. I think that for everyone this whole mess has had an impact but you also have the emotions of new motherhood thrown into the mix so they will make for a difficult cocktail to manage. Things will get better ❤️

    1. Thanks, they did get better. Hearing yesterday that the EU continues the travel ban for the US was actually a relief. I’m not crazy. It’s not just in my head. No, what I feel is actually how everyone should feel – being in the US, the way it’s going right now is a danger to the rest of the world. Fortunately, we can still return home, see my family. I’ve missed them. xoxo

  6. I didn’t enjoy reading this, Francesca, and wish I could say something to make things better, to make you feel better. Just hang in there and keep talking to your friends.

    1. I didn’t like it either, but it is what it is. In an odd way, the EU came in as my friend. Deciding to continue the travel ban for the US was a big, loud ‘we agree with you!’ message. I’m not going crazy, I’m not the only one who thinks that being here is not safe. Fortunately, we can travel back to Germany. Looks like I’ll be back in September. It’ll be the first time I see my family again in a long time. That thought feels good. xoxo

  7. I so agree with you – the world is fucked and I can only hope too that it gets better – what a massive transition you have had to go through – having a baby in this fucked up world – But that child must be your guiding light – – things have to get better – they can’t get much worse and your little one needs you so badly. Take care of your body and mind for that reason if not for yourself.
    I am thinking of you
    May xx

    1. I couldn’t look at my own blog for days. Yesterday, I started feeling better. It’s odd, but that the EU continued the travel ban for the US made me feel so much better. Finally, others are saying, this is not OK. This is not safe, and until things change, letting people travel from the US to Europe is not OK. It’s not just me, I’m not going crazy, which is a real relief. And fortunately, we can still go back to Germany, hopefully by the end of the summer. Knowing that I can see my family again, not just via video, is a good feeling. Thanks, May, these are bad times, but I’m grateful for your support. xoxo

  8. Yeah it is a fucked up time we are struggling to get through. I know that feeling of needing escape and the sudden realization that as a human we can got to insane lengths just for a moment of what we need. It is frightening. I do hope you at least take greater safety precautions in the future but that nagging feeling of needing escape, I have no idea how long it will last.

    1. Yes, it can certainly seem like the light at the end of the tunnel is more like the oncoming train. It’s not easy to keep up the spirit – I’ll be safer in the future, this was not me. It’s just scary what living in a horrific environment can do to the mind. xoxo

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