I started blogging a little over a year ago, having no idea what I was doing. Before that, I had never kept a diary or any other way of keeping track of what happened in my life. I had my reasons. I didn’t want to leave a record of what I was doing.
Not only did I not have a diary, but I was also absent from social media. My life was essentially ‘off the grid’. I was perfectly happy that way. Real-life had given me enough experiences, sexual and otherwise, to last a lifetime. Why live a ‘virtual life’ when reality had so much to offer?
Then I started writing a book. I self-published it on Amazon. While the first part was loosely based on my life as an escort, as I got into the later parts, it turned more and more into a dark fiction piece. Looking back, it said a lot about my state of mind. (I got some nice reviews, but as my first full-length book, it was rather obvious that I’m an amateur.)
That got me, though, to be on twitter to spread the word about my book. It worked for a while, but instead, I found a lot of great sex bloggers with whom I’m still in touch. @posychurchgate talked me into blogging. Whatever is wrong with this blog, is obviously my fault. That it exists in the first place, is thanks to Posy.
I have posted regularly over the past year. In the beginning, I didn’t have my own voice yet. Looking back, it seems like another person’s blog. Not all bad, but not really honest and a reflection of myself. That all changed in November 2019.
The series of posts about my trip to St. Petersburg was pure emotion. I poured everything I had into them. It was gut-wrenching to live through the ups and downs. And it was equally cathartic to have a place to write it down.
Apart from friends at school, who know nothing about my past, I only had friends from Germany who knew about my kinks. But after several years apart, I lost touch with many of them. This blog became my friend. The one I could tell why I was feeling down when I needed to get something off my mind.
I don’t know how I feel having a blog as a friend. I read the posts of others who are in relationships, subs and Doms and everything in between. Few sex bloggers are single. Some go through rough times in relationships and others separate from their partner. But few start blogging about sex, kinks, and D/s relationships without having a firm partner first.
There is one relationship I had wanted (…St. Petersburg), but otherwise, I was happy to be single. I had experienced too much, as corny as this may sound, to start all over again. I had no interest in being a sub when my partner had to be ‘taught’ what it meant to be a Dom.
I have no interest in watching porn. I don’t even care much about reading erotica. Not that some are done really well, but they lack the spontaneous human connection. There are some blogs that I love to read. Not that I have enough time to do it as much as I’d want. But I care more about the human touch, the emotions, raw and real, that tells me something about who is writing.
Over time, I’ve come to realize that I don’t write this blog for others. I write it for myself. My tone has changed, and over time, I think, I found my voice. The posts I write are limited to topics where I want to say something. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. I hate proof-reading or editing my posts once I wrote them. When I do, the post never gets better.
Still, I feel very ambivalent about telling my blog how I feel. I don’t care who reads it, but I’d much rather talk to a real person. I live a lot in the past. Writing about my past tells me what’s missing in my life. Of course, I’ve gained a lot since Kinky Mom. But it’s very different.
So, what does that all mean? I don’t know. Ask Posy, she may be able to give you an answer.