I have a strange view of vacation, or holidays (not the religious kind). I need mental vacations, not physical ones. So, when I do go away, I much prefer going somewhere boring. Some place, where there is nothing to be done, but tune out.

And tuning out is something I desperately need at the moment. Tuning out of an improved, but still stifling life. What happened to my freedom, to my joy of traveling? The adventures, the ‘go with the flow’ who would do anything; at least once.

Lately I feel shy. I’m reserved, don’t want to emerge from my cocoon. The last thing I want think about is planning for the next vacation. If I could, I would to on a ‘Total Recall’ vacation. Memories that are just implanted, but feel as real as life itself. That’s a topic for another day.

The virus is getting to me, mentally more than anything else. I’m not myself. But I need to be, or else it’s just a downward spiral. So I try to put a toe in the water. I wouldn’t call it vacation. It’s getting a Starbucks coffee with my mask on. Or maybe just a morning stroll around the block.

When I do, it’s not a place I recognized. Granted, I haven’t been here for long, but rather than getting used to it, reality is sinking in. Leaving Manhattan was smart, but there is no running away from a virus that is still everywhere.

I try to keep positive images in my mind. Go through old pictures (and take new ones, of my new place), and paint a vacation around them. A mental vacation. I get lost in them. Nobody bothers me, just me and my own thoughts.

There won’t be any holidays for me this year. Actually, that may not be true. If I don’t find a job here by the end of the summer, which seems unlikely, then I’m back to Germany for a while. I’m not fond of the places where Germans congregate to soak in the sun, get drunk, and take topless pictures.

None of this is how it’s supposed to be. And by comparison, I have it good. I’m not complaining. So, for me, this year’s holidays are going to be all in my memories. Maybe I’ll see how cold the water is, but I won’t jump in. I’m not there yet. I hope others feel more positive.

Sinful Sunday