One toe into the water

I have a strange view of vacation, or holidays (not the religious kind). I need mental vacations, not physical ones. So, when I do go away, I much prefer going somewhere boring. Some place, where there is nothing to be done, but tune out.

And tuning out is something I desperately need at the moment. Tuning out of an improved, but still stifling life. What happened to my freedom, to my joy of traveling? The adventures, the ‘go with the flow’ who would do anything; at least once.

Lately I feel shy. I’m reserved, don’t want to emerge from my cocoon. The last thing I want think about is planning for the next vacation. If I could, I would to on a ‘Total Recall’ vacation. Memories that are just implanted, but feel as real as life itself. That’s a topic for another day.

The virus is getting to me, mentally more than anything else. I’m not myself. But I need to be, or else it’s just a downward spiral. So I try to put a toe in the water. I wouldn’t call it vacation. It’s getting a Starbucks coffee with my mask on. Or maybe just a morning stroll around the block.

When I do, it’s not a place I recognized. Granted, I haven’t been here for long, but rather than getting used to it, reality is sinking in. Leaving Manhattan was smart, but there is no running away from a virus that is still everywhere.

I try to keep positive images in my mind. Go through old pictures (and take new ones, of my new place), and paint a vacation around them. A mental vacation. I get lost in them. Nobody bothers me, just me and my own thoughts.

There won’t be any holidays for me this year. Actually, that may not be true. If I don’t find a job here by the end of the summer, which seems unlikely, then I’m back to Germany for a while. I’m not fond of the places where Germans congregate to soak in the sun, get drunk, and take topless pictures.

None of this is how it’s supposed to be. And by comparison, I have it good. I’m not complaining. So, for me, this year’s holidays are going to be all in my memories. Maybe I’ll see how cold the water is, but I won’t jump in. I’m not there yet. I hope others feel more positive.

Sinful Sunday

22 thoughts on “One toe into the water

  1. What quick contrasts you’re experiencing….in NYC, grad school, birthing, and now the Maryland shore. These are such weird uncertain fluid times. We’re all really submissives now. For me I no longer have to work due to my forced retirement, yet I don’t feel free to paint or read a book now. I feel like I’ve got to do my to do’s. None of which are absolutely necessary any more. Even my dreams aren’t on vacation. Other day and night times I am content to just sit and look at the ocean waves crashing against the sea wall and pier in front of us., and listen to the sounds of the waves crashing almost 24/7. Travel isn’t possible. So I look at photos of past trips, especially the cruise on the Rhine and the week in Paris a year ago. And go back to watching the ocean as it continuously changes, listen to the crashing waves, smell the ocean winds’ changing scents. At times tears come from nowhere or some place deep within. I do a body scan and then I go back to focusing on my breathing and not thinking. Hard mental work. Which sounds like it is also hard work for you.
    One of my favorite Haiku goes: Since my house burned down, I now own a brighter view of the rising moon.
    May you experience hints of your brighter view which is somehow mysteriously on its way in you. xoxo

    1. I believe we are doing the same thing, looking at past pictures, trying to keep out head sane, and finding ourselves starring into the distance hoping to find a bright star on the horizon. A rising moon will do too. xo

      1. Listening to music used to be a mental trip into another headspace. Now in this disjointed world I get lost in the silence inside these walls and go down into deep valleys and chasms. And then I remember how healing and energizing music can be for me. Music on that I can listen to which is upbeat , energizing (Janis Joplin is great), soul comforting (Maria Muldaur, BB King), or tranquil (classical harpsichord), taking me away into another realm, into remembered places of pleasure. And throughout these days verses from these songs will pop into my awareness unbidden and transport me. Ma Rainey belting “The sun’s gonna shine in my back door someday.” The Beach Boys’ “In My Room.” Canned Heat boogieing. “Listen” by the Monks of Weston Priory. Songs from Hair : “I believe in Love,” “Good Morning Starshine, The Earth says Hello.” Conversing and sound-making via WhatsApp with my 4 month old grandson rolling around on the floor. Cherish the wonders your son is awakening in you. xoxo

  2. I’m sorry you are struggling. Things are so hard right now. My favorite vacation is a secluded lakeside cabin in the fall. I don’t like buys vacations. I won’t be going this year. 🙁

    1. Lakeside sounds nice. Guess most of us are in the same boat – not figuratively – going without a vacation this year. xoxo

  3. Part of me is glad that I never was a great vacationer. Makes it a bit easier now. Then I realized that I took small micro vacations every week to a museum, a local scenic outlook, another part of town for some new photos. Maybe dipping in the toe is good. I actually wanted to save money on coffee to go but found out that it is one the small things I am not afraid to do do. Because the place is empty in the mornings and they have nice (and fairly far apart) outside seating.

    1. That’s what I’m looking for, the small places where I can get to early and not run into people. I really like the idea of micro vacations. That may be the way to start up again in a few weeks. xoxoo

  4. I love your idea of a total recall holiday – I think that is what i must do too – I also miss my freedom and independence so much – like u I don’t want to complain as i know so many are suffering. I often use my dreams at night as a kind of vacation

    1. Using dreams as a little vacation must be a great little escape! I remember my dreams for about the first minute after I wake up, most of them are weird but nice. Then they go ‘puff’ and disappear. xoxo

  5. I like that you go through your memories and use them as your holiday. To me holiday doesn’t have to be about travel. As long as I can just relax, not think of work and sleep when and how much I want, or stay up late without any consequences, I am happy. Our holiday is just coming to an end, and the one thing I really missed was to go to restaurants, as that for us is part of the holiday vibe too. Take care, Francesca, and stay positive.
    ~ Marie

    1. I’m slowly getting into the habit of cooking dinner – all the restaurants are closed and the pick-up or delivery doesn’t work too well where I am. I usually love to travel and experience local restaurants, but for now, I’ll be patient. xoxo

  6. I totally get this, I should’ve been in Hawaii this month and not knowing when I’ll get away from home is really getting to me. I like to escape, no, I need to escape. It’s all so hard *sigh.

    1. Keep it up, Bee. Hawaii won’t go away and we will return to some form of normal. Just imagine having more space on the next flight to Hawaii! But it’s hard. We’ll make it through, together. xoxo

  7. I really love the picture! I don’t even know how to tune out or take a mental vacation. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could take a break from our own minds? Ha.

    1. That’s what I’m waiting for. With all the AI work that’s going on, someone has to think of a ‘brain-vacation’. xo

  8. Omy that looks soooo good on you. Wow. And such a lovely background, place where you’re at. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope it will get easier and I hope you will be able to find a job so you don’t have to return to Germany just yet.

    1. Sorry for the late reply! Well, the way it looks at the moment, I’m preparing myself to go back to Germany. At least where I’m looking, there is just not much happening here at the moment, and the outlook remains pretty stagnant. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. One thing we’ve all learned is how to stay in touch no matter where we are. xoxo

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