Should I be more dominant?

In recent weeks, I haven’t been as active as I had hoped. Of course, I have a good excuse. With a baby on the way, barely a month from my due date, life slows down. School is only getting into spring break the week of March 16, just in time for ‘bump’ to come into this world.

I’m still single. Not very active socially, and my attempts to find a relationship where I’m the submissive have utterly failed. I’m an odd submissive. Control, fear of commitment, having been paid to be submissive, all count against me.

So, it occurred to me, why not explore my more dominant side? Granted, writing from the dominant perspective has so far been an abject failure. But that’s not real life. That’s just putting words on paper, and we all know how patient paper can be.

No, what I mean is dropping the idea that I have to be looking for a D/s relationship at all. Being submissive doesn’t define me. If anything, it is my personal kinks that I truly love. Many of them require a partner who likes to play the dominant role, but only as a means to an end.

As a parent, I don’t see myself being anything but loving with clear boundaries. I’m not afraid of lacking the strength to be in charge as a parent. That is something for which I don’t need a partner. It comes naturally. At least that’s what I expect will happen. By now I know myself well enough.

When it comes to relationships, I feel that I intimidate people. In reality, I’m anything but intimidating, but that’s not the first image that comes across. I’m confident, experienced, well-traveled, there is almost nothing that my peers have done, that I don’t know something about. Ask me about Russian politics? How about international finance? Do you know about Basel III? Have you had sex with another woman? Am I financially independent?

Almost every conversation has a sense of ‘been there, done that’ to it. I just can’t fake being impressed easily. And at the same time, I’m coming across as wanting something from another person. What in the world can the average nice person, man or woman, truly give me?

From my perspective, a lot, but it doesn’t come across that way. Even though here, on my blog, where I have a chance to talk about my past and my present, I get so much support. But it’s because I’m not trying to hit it off with anyone in the first five minutes. It takes time to get to know me. Hell, it took me 40 years and counting.

There is a lot I have to give. I’m secure, confident, know how to make people feel comfortable around me. I can be sexy, intelligent, confident, attractive, and supportive all at the same time. So why do I see myself as submissive, looking for a dominant partner?

In so many ways, I have a dominant side in me. I like to be in charge, take control, play with people’s minds, drive them crazy, make them do things, just because I ask. I’m not the dominant who can take the responsibility of caring for a submissive, giving both love and punishments. No, I am dominant in my own ways, but expect my partner to be an independent mature adult.

What happens then is up for grabs. Could I see myself as a dominant partner in a relationship? Over time, yes. But it would take time to learn new skills. Do I see myself as a switch who enjoys both sides of the dynamic? Possibly.

So here is my resolution, a bit late for the New Year. I will be open in any future relationship to the role I play. I will be patient to see how it develops. But I will always remain kinky, curious, adventurous, and exciting. That sure doesn’t make me dominant, but it takes the pressure of people I meet to be something they are perhaps not.

F4Thought
February Photofest

17 thoughts on “Should I be more dominant?

  1. This is fascinating Francesca, and once more a little more of the real you, an alluring and charming woman. Sure you’re strong &independent, but when was that a bad thing?

    I wrote a post more than a year ago asking if I could be submissive and got such helpful feedback from our community – I hope you are as blessed from this heartfelt post.

    1. Thanks, Posy! I feel that I’ve already gotten so much from this community that I can now ask questions, of myself and others, that I didn’t want to ask before. That’s the beauty of having a supportive community with years of wisdom. xoxoxo

  2. One of the best things I’ve done for myself recently is to let go of any preconceived ideas I had about who I might be and what kinky role I might take on in future relationships. The chap I am involved with at the moment was 100% vanilla when we met, and I totally thought we’d stay that way together, but damn, that dude has opened himself to so many new experiences and despite the long list of kinky things I’ve done, we are finding new things for me to experience too. If I’d been busy trying to find a specific type of person, or determined I needed to be one thing or another, we never would have found each other. So in my experience keeping your heart and your mind open is absolutely something that can pay off x

    1. Thanks, Floss. That is so good to hear. It’s so hard to take off labels that we put on ourselves, or ideas of what our ideal partner should be like. That’s how society likes to ‘categorize’ us. That’s how we get our ‘reputation’. Letting go of that isn’t easy and I’m not quite there yet, even though I know it’s the right thing to do. I’m really happy this worked out for you. It’s taking a chance, but also an opportunity for an entirely new road. Thanks so much — you continue to be a huge inspiration. xoxo

    1. Thanks, May. That’s what Floss said as well. I’m getting there. My head is further along than my heart, but with ‘bump’ well on his way, I’m sure there will be plenty of rethinking. xoxo

  3. I agree with others, you have to evaluate every experience as it comes along on its own merit. When you meet someone new I think you’ll know how you are with them. For now, take care of yourself and that lovely new baby soon to arrive in the world xx

    1. Thanks, Julie! Yes, every time he kicks me, I get reminded that in just a few weeks (I hope he’ll wait that long) my priorities will be reset. That’ll give me plenty of opportunities to see where I want to go with future relationships. The comforting thing is that I don’t feel that I ‘need’ to have one. I can just see what comes along with an open mind; even if that is easier said than done. xoxo

  4. You are putting together so many pieces of the multi-dimensional puzzle of who you are now as an independent mature loving woman. And now your puzzle is growing in ways you’ll gradually discover as a thoughtful mature playful grounded woman who is becoming your particular gift of motherhood for your child. S/he are fortunate to develop in your womb and come to fruition as s/he enters this new world through you.

  5. Indeed society has us putting labels on everything based on perception. It takes time to find oneself and to be open.
    from my view i see that You really are in charge even as a submissive. You really never let go of many situations. But at the same time you enjoyed being the “sub”. Being on display. You are intelligent, confident, and beautiful some find that very intimidating.
    So let it come naturally and enjoy life with the bump,

  6. They do in fact now i live with my youngest daughter , her wonderful Hubby and my 2 granddaughters 20 moths and 35 Months. They seem to guide me and yet look to me for guidance
    a strange combination.
    life is complicated but to enjoy the youngest. the new bump will bring many days of joy.

  7. You are right to be open. When the right person comes along (likely a worldy, intelligent, confident person) things will click. There is a person (probably dozens) who will see you for who you are and love every piece.

    1. At least for now, I already know one person. He is not exactly worldly, intelligent, or confident, but knows how to kick and handles hick-ups like a champ.😉 I’m sure you’re right, time is one my side. xoxo

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