In recent weeks, I haven’t been as active as I had hoped. Of course, I have a good excuse. With a baby on the way, barely a month from my due date, life slows down. School is only getting into spring break the week of March 16, just in time for ‘bump’ to come into this world.

I’m still single. Not very active socially, and my attempts to find a relationship where I’m the submissive have utterly failed. I’m an odd submissive. Control, fear of commitment, having been paid to be submissive, all count against me.

So, it occurred to me, why not explore my more dominant side? Granted, writing from the dominant perspective has so far been an abject failure. But that’s not real life. That’s just putting words on paper, and we all know how patient paper can be.

No, what I mean is dropping the idea that I have to be looking for a D/s relationship at all. Being submissive doesn’t define me. If anything, it is my personal kinks that I truly love. Many of them require a partner who likes to play the dominant role, but only as a means to an end.

As a parent, I don’t see myself being anything but loving with clear boundaries. I’m not afraid of lacking the strength to be in charge as a parent. That is something for which I don’t need a partner. It comes naturally. At least that’s what I expect will happen. By now I know myself well enough.

When it comes to relationships, I feel that I intimidate people. In reality, I’m anything but intimidating, but that’s not the first image that comes across. I’m confident, experienced, well-traveled, there is almost nothing that my peers have done, that I don’t know something about. Ask me about Russian politics? How about international finance? Do you know about Basel III? Have you had sex with another woman? Am I financially independent?

Almost every conversation has a sense of ‘been there, done that’ to it. I just can’t fake being impressed easily. And at the same time, I’m coming across as wanting something from another person. What in the world can the average nice person, man or woman, truly give me?

From my perspective, a lot, but it doesn’t come across that way. Even though here, on my blog, where I have a chance to talk about my past and my present, I get so much support. But it’s because I’m not trying to hit it off with anyone in the first five minutes. It takes time to get to know me. Hell, it took me 40 years and counting.

There is a lot I have to give. I’m secure, confident, know how to make people feel comfortable around me. I can be sexy, intelligent, confident, attractive, and supportive all at the same time. So why do I see myself as submissive, looking for a dominant partner?

In so many ways, I have a dominant side in me. I like to be in charge, take control, play with people’s minds, drive them crazy, make them do things, just because I ask. I’m not the dominant who can take the responsibility of caring for a submissive, giving both love and punishments. No, I am dominant in my own ways, but expect my partner to be an independent mature adult.

What happens then is up for grabs. Could I see myself as a dominant partner in a relationship? Over time, yes. But it would take time to learn new skills. Do I see myself as a switch who enjoys both sides of the dynamic? Possibly.

So here is my resolution, a bit late for the New Year. I will be open in any future relationship to the role I play. I will be patient to see how it develops. But I will always remain kinky, curious, adventurous, and exciting. That sure doesn’t make me dominant, but it takes the pressure of people I meet to be something they are perhaps not.

February Photofest