Your message from Monday was a surprise. And to be honest, since you left me in St. Peterburg, I had barely given you a thought. Done. You were out of my life.

I worked hard to get over you. Not that there ever was an ‘us’ anyway. There could have been. What almost was can be more difficult to suppress than what actually happened. And if you think I’m responding to express my excitement over your message, you’re seriously wrong.

You are despicable, arrogant, narcissistic, power-hungry, manipulative, and those are just the polite words I have for you. You made me feel naked, alone, vulnerable, lost, confused, just knowing that this day might come. Now, I have changed.

No longer am I in search of a partner who dominates me the way you could. I don’t need your cock to feel satisfied. Your hands around my throat are no longer part of my breathplay fantasy. You have been replaced. Not by a person you can push around. No, far worse. By my own words.

I never told you that I have a blog. Well, guess what? Everything I had to say about you, everything I went through to get over you is there. All the world can read it. Have a look. Just click right between my legs, push on my cunt. Do it, on your pathetic phone.

You remember the dress. You’re surprised that I can still wear it over my body. It’s become my friend, my protection. It’s a condom that protects me from people like you. People, who want me as their whore, as their slut, and fuck hole. People who don’t give a shit about my feelings, my future, my wants, and desires.

Today, I’m sitting here, writing back to you, even though I know it’s wrong. I should just leave you alone. Let you be the one who wonders what could have been. But I’m not that cruel. No, I’m worse. I hate you with a passion. That’s the upside for you. The way I hurt you now is by being honest with myself and you.

I love you to this day.

I’ve loved you since we were in Berlin together. In St. Petersburg, all you had to do was ask. I would have said yes and become yours to have to good. I loved you madly then, and I love you madly now.

Just read these posts, and you will understand who I am. I can love you, I can even admit the mistakes I made, my fear of commitment. But nothing will ever take away the strength that I have gained to say right to your face:

‘I DON’T NEED YOU!’

The love I have for you will stay with me. I know what it feels like to have found my equal. Someone who can push me down on my knees not by force, but by demanding my submission. The cock in my mouth, the cum in my throat, the taste of your balls, the public humiliation I so gladly endure.

All that could have been yours. But it’s not.

There is no ‘us’. I carry my love for you with me for as long as I must. But you show up in my life again and you will come to know the hate I feel for you. You have destroyed what could have been. And that has made me stronger. You cannot hurt me anymore.

I’m glad you wrote, ‘Sweetie’. It feels good to tell you how I feel. Love and hate, both are still strong. What has changed is the strength of my independence. The will to determine my own future, on my terms. And those terms do not include you.

I don’t have this blog to hurt you, though you deserve it. It has helped me grow and let go of you. Read it, every word, and you will see what you have lost. The proud slut who would suck your cock in the morning just to please you now gets ready to bring another person into this world.

He deserves a clean start. One, where he is protected by his mother. There is no drama, no unsettled past, no desire for a different present. This is me now. Proud, strong, single, and just a few weeks away from having a baby boy.

The love that never happened is a cross I can bear. The whore you always wanted, the cunt who once was there for you, is something you will never have.

I hope you know what you lost.

I know what I have gained.

F4Thought
February Photofest