For those who have followed my series of posts regarding St. Petersburg, it may come as a surprise that it’s not over. But then again, maybe it doesn’t.
In late November of last year, already pregnant, I went with a former client, now friend, to St. Petersburg (Russia). It was one of the most emotionally charged trips I had been on for a long time. In the end, we separated without plans to see each other again. It was painful, but perhaps for the best.
I’ve been over it, focused on myself, my ‘bump’, and what I want to do with my life. Done is the time where I need to be in a relationship to be happy. I am happy.
So it took me a bit by surprise when I received a text from him, with the photo above attached. It was a sweet text, I won’t repeat it here. Now the emotions from St. Petersburg come back up. From hate to affection, hope to despair.
When I woke up, I was glad to hear from him. Now, with lousy weather and two classes in the afternoon, it doesn’t feel so good anymore. He didn’t say much, no sign that any of his feelings for me have changed. But then what is he trying to tell me by attaching the picture?
We played ‘Sexy Secretary’ one evening. I wore my purple latex top with the exposed breasts. High heels, latex panties, and black latex gloves. I felt sexy, despite still coming to grips with the changes to my body. He played the demanding boss, I liked that. Unreasonable demands, insults, humiliation, all converged when he instructed me to arrange for a late-check-out at the reception; in person.
I miss having someone who takes charge, who can play me like a fiddle, push me to the edge of my comfort level, and at times beyond. I did go down to the lobby, carefully placing a scarf around my neck and over my breasts. That’s all he allowed me to wear. It was the last time I had the adrenaline rush that comes from public humiliation.
Have I really moved on? If I respond, I’m right back where we were. Could I really ignore him if he were to come to New York to see me, or even pay me to fly with him somewhere after my baby is born? Of course, I can use my child as an excuse, but that seems just wrong. I didn’t think that I was still so fragile.
How can one message bring back emotions that I thought I had left behind. Part of me wants to think that it’s an opening on his side. He knows, roughly, when my ‘bump’ is due. So why the message now. Is he just being polite, or testing my reaction? I don’t have time to process all this right now. But I have a sleepless night ahead of me.
Now off to class.