For those who have followed my series of posts regarding St. Petersburg, it may come as a surprise that it’s not over. But then again, maybe it doesn’t.
In late November of last year, already pregnant, I went with a former client, now friend, to St. Petersburg (Russia). It was one of the most emotionally charged trips I had been on for a long time. In the end, we separated without plans to see each other again. It was painful, but perhaps for the best.
I’ve been over it, focused on myself, my ‘bump’, and what I want to do with my life. Done is the time where I need to be in a relationship to be happy. I am happy.
So it took me a bit by surprise when I received a text from him, with the photo above attached. It was a sweet text, I won’t repeat it here. Now the emotions from St. Petersburg come back up. From hate to affection, hope to despair.
When I woke up, I was glad to hear from him. Now, with lousy weather and two classes in the afternoon, it doesn’t feel so good anymore. He didn’t say much, no sign that any of his feelings for me have changed. But then what is he trying to tell me by attaching the picture?
We played ‘Sexy Secretary’ one evening. I wore my purple latex top with the exposed breasts. High heels, latex panties, and black latex gloves. I felt sexy, despite still coming to grips with the changes to my body. He played the demanding boss, I liked that. Unreasonable demands, insults, humiliation, all converged when he instructed me to arrange for a late-check-out at the reception; in person.
I miss having someone who takes charge, who can play me like a fiddle, push me to the edge of my comfort level, and at times beyond. I did go down to the lobby, carefully placing a scarf around my neck and over my breasts. That’s all he allowed me to wear. It was the last time I had the adrenaline rush that comes from public humiliation.
Have I really moved on? If I respond, I’m right back where we were. Could I really ignore him if he were to come to New York to see me, or even pay me to fly with him somewhere after my baby is born? Of course, I can use my child as an excuse, but that seems just wrong. I didn’t think that I was still so fragile.
How can one message bring back emotions that I thought I had left behind. Part of me wants to think that it’s an opening on his side. He knows, roughly, when my ‘bump’ is due. So why the message now. Is he just being polite, or testing my reaction? I don’t have time to process all this right now. But I have a sleepless night ahead of me.
Now off to class.
Hello Francesca.
As a dominant male 15 years your senior, minus the ‘bump’ I can relate to what’s happened. Over my years there have been a few of those texts or emails that come out of the blue, after everything has supposedly been ended and buried. It can play havoc on the mind if you let it.
I don’t pretend to know you from reading your blog, but you do come across as a very strong woman. Open and honest, independent and very capable in whatever you set your mind to.
I would challenge you to reflect and see where your feelings are at with this person and if there is something in the form of a relationship you would want to have. If not, no response is required. If so, be direct and ask why now and ask what he is after.
You have no relationship with him now, so nothing to lose. Perhaps, if you choose, maybe something to be gained.
I wish you a peaceful sleep with only the best of dreams that your mind and body enjoy.
Thanks, your advice is much appreciated. You’re right, I’ve got nothing to lose. However I respond, a good night sleep can only help. Xo
u look incredible
May x
Thanks, now I barely fit behind a table😊
Wow. So complicated! Ask yourself what you most want…not what you feel you “should” do. You have so much going for you now and his whims are not your concern. Unless you think what he wants is much more than a whim.
Thanks, Q’sH. I’ll sleep over it. If I’d respond right now, I’d just ignore it. Let’s see how I feel tomorrow. Xox
yes indeed you look great in the photo and i bet you still look fabulous even if straining behind a table.
Your response or lack of one should you choose will be spot on
Sweet dreams
Thanks, sindee! I gave him a bit fat, ‘too late’. I think he got the message. 😘
The image is stunning. I am wondering whether you have processed your thoughts about his text, and what you have decided to do? It does seem that there’s still a lot of feelings on your side for him, otherwise the text might not have caused you to have sleepless night. Take care, sweet Francesca!
Rebel xox
Hi Rebel, you’re good at reading between the lines. I sent out more tweets than normal for myself to get some distraction. It didn’t really work. I sent him a note back last night – spoiler alert – that went from It hate you ‘ to ‘I love you, but I don’t need you’. I started writing up a post, but was too tired to finish. Guess what I’m doing next…. xoxo
You’re human, Francesca. Even if you are happy alone and have moved on, emotions find ways to create homes in us and can be teased out by smells, words, and texts. It drums up everything, which can make it hard to function…until they go back into their shells and lay dormant again. It does seem weird that he’d just text and not give any indication of his intentions. That seems a little manipulative, I think.
He definitely managed to tap into emotions that I thought I had pushed aside. But if his intentions had been anything other than manipulating me, or simply asserting himself by making me wonder, he could have gone about it in a more mature and open way. xoxo
I don’t blame you for being confused. As much as we can think we’ve got a handle on the emotional side of things, very simple stuff can tip us back into confused places. I hope that some sleep and a few days to process have been a good tonic. ❤
I’m running behind with my responses — my phone app seems to reject comments that I write… I’m glad to read how I responded. Yes, some sleep, some distance, and not letting the emotional nerve that he tapped into dictate my response, was important. It’s amazing how just a little mention of something that seems in the past can come back and mess with the mind. xoxo