I had been a misfit for a long time. The kink community gave me a home. Not just in real life, also through the blogging community. I cannot imagine life without kink. Mine is very simple. Fetishes, particularly latex.

With a baby well on its way, at 40, I wrestled with the notion of losing my kinky side. There were times when I felt resentful. How dare this little thing inside of me take away a part of me. That was a few months ago. Times have changed. They have changed for the better.

It’s different now, but better. A year ago, I was looking for a partner. Someone with whom to share my kinky side. Not just for fun, but for a serious relationship. I may have gone too far. I put myself out in all the wrong places. But pulled back and built a shield around me when there were opportunities.

I think for a lot of men, my kink is intimidating. I’m not you’re regular submissive, I fight. And I’m shameless. Virtually no kink intimidates me, and that is intimidating for anyone who would think about dating me. It was all about me. I had a hard time thinking of others, how I would make them feel.

Now the world around me has changed. I have changed with it. A new life is growing inside me, I’m not alone. I have someone to care for. And I’ve found a community here that supports me.

Getting to know other sex bloggers, hearing their stories, has given me a lot of support. More than I ever thought I would find. So, I’ve changed.

Now I embrace both sides of me. I care for my body, my growing ‘bump’ and I find new ways of being kinky. No tight corsets, no harsh bondage gear. No restrictive fetish gear.

Instead, I’m embracing the softer side of kink. I still like to go out in latex. I still enjoy taking pictures, being provocative, seductive, kinky. But nothing beats the pride of becoming a mom. A kinky mom.

The change from resentment to pride is a transformation I had not expected a few months back. It came gradually, thanks to a lot of support from everyone in the blogging community. Just the occasional message from @sweetgirl_mhr, or @posychurchgate, a tantalizing exchange with @pjawodde makes all the difference.

I’m a happier person now. I’m in a better place. That is something I’m proud of. It didn’t come by itself, a lot of soul-searching. Walks in the evening. A lot of introspection. Now I know what I want to do. I know that I can do it.

It’s not my body that makes me kinky, sexy, desirable. My body is changing by the day, but my feelings about myself are no longer focused on what I’m missing. Now I think about the future. A future with a child. A gentler future, one where I can be more open.

I’m proud to have made the choice to become a mom against all odds. I work hard on bringing a healthy child into this world. And I will work hard to be the best mom I can be. The best kinky mom there is.

F4Thought
February Photofest