Home-less, Home-wrecker – Alyssia

I haven’t posted anything in a couple of days. It’s one of those up and down periods that don’t seem to end. Thanks to @pjawoode for keeping me company during sleepless nights. And then I read Rebel’s post about ‘home’. She got me off my butt and thinking about where my home is; what I want for this year, and how I balance my present with my past.

It’s like living in a twilight zone. I’m thinking of what I will say, eventually, when my baby grows up. A future US citizen, who is also German, may never understand the times I grew up in. The choices I made. I don’t have a home, neither a place, nor a person. My past is my home.

The only place I ever considered ‘home’, was my escort web-page. I could make myself into whoever I wanted to be. This sounds bizarre, but home is a place where I don’t have to do everything. So I had my page, but the site doesn’t belong to me. And, yet, it felt like my most stable home. Where I could be me, where I had friends without secrets.

Yup, that’s me. I haven’t been an escort for over three years now, but my page is still there. No, don’t bother looking for it. All links are cut, searchable terms removed, but I can still find it. It’s a home for the homeless. In the shadow, out of sight. Nobody walks in who doesn’t belong, who isn’t ashamed.

Can I really build a home as long as ‘Alyssia’ is still out there? The ‘Alyssia’ who was 10 years younger than I really was? I wonder. Am I stuck in a homeless shelter, the twilight zone, where I’m nothing but a homewrecker?

I will eventually return to Berlin, that much I know. Though it will be a different life. I hope a good one. And I won’t be alone, not that that’s why I’m having a baby. A child deserves a home, but a child does not make a home. Maybe being together will be my new home. I don’t really know.

But the homeless shelter is looming over my future. If I can still get to my old ‘Alyssia’ page, so can others. I value my anonymity. I’ve never been careless, but I know the five steps it takes to find out my real name, where I live, who I was. If someone wants to hunt me, they could.

I’ve made a lot of people happy. No regrets there. But accusing me of being a homewrecker is easy. Most of all for those who don’t know me.

Home? Home is not a word by itself. Not yet, at least. It always comes with a post-fix.

F4Thought

27 thoughts on “Home-less, Home-wrecker – Alyssia

  1. I believe you are being harsh. This “community” of bloggers and blog authors is the beginnings of the new home you are creating even now. You are courageous. Our past experiences don’t have to limit or destroy our current relationships in physical flesh or electronic energies. You are an integral member in this ever developing and changing community. You are a gift to me and us.

    1. I’m glad I am. It’s a great community, but a home to raise a child in? Maybe I am too harsh. This was a down day, tomorrow may be better again. Xo

  2. Home is not a place Francesca it is a feeling. If your child’s life is filled with your love and attention, it could be anywhere in the world.

    Sending love and kind thoughts

    Sweetgirl x

    1. Thanks! I love my ‘bump’ already more than anything in the world. The last few weeks are hard, but if I could just freeze this moment in time, I would. Xoxo

      1. They are indeed, everything is uncomfortable and you feel stretched rather than expanding, baby’s movements gets harder too as it runs out of space. You will start seeing a hand, elbow, knee and foot as it moves. MrH started to call S2 the alien, in the later weeks.

        But I used to sing and talk to my bumps … on the other hand I was convinced that S2 was a girl and called him Katie all the way through lol

        Xx

  3. I agree with May that the birth of your baby will help and with Sweetgirl that home is or can be a feeling. Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. I’m sure you will find home soon xx

  4. I have no doubt that no matter where you are, in the US or in Berlin, that once you have your baby, every place will feel like home. I know you can do it, otherwise you wouldn’t have chosen to become a single mom.

    Rebel xox
    PS: And if you are back in Europe, and ever travel to The Netherlands, let’s meet up!

    1. Deal! I think living in the US is getting to me a bit. That may be part of what’s putting me in a funk. But I’m sure I’ll snap out of it. Xox

  5. I really hope you revisit this topic once your little one has arrived, if not here with us at least in your own thoughts. I think you will be amazed at how different things will feel upon their arrival, and I say this as someone who could never have imagined the change my baby brought to this kind of thoughts for me. Amazing post, thank you for sharing xxx

    1. Thanks, Floss. Since I’m a ‘late mom’, my friends are also telling me how it changes your life in ways that are difficult to understand when it’s the first. I truly hope I have your experience. You made my day a bit brighter. Thanks! Xox

  6. Perhaps in the digital sense, your blog space is your new home rather than your / Alyssia’s escort page? And I’m sure that once bump arrives, the two of you will create “home”, wherever you may be.

    1. For now, it’s becoming my home, although I don’t like that my past still hangs out there and I have no control over it. As for bump, Floss and others have also said that it changes everything. I really would like that to be my (our) future home, no matter where we are. 😘

  7. This is my first time to your blog but I am glad I found it with this post. I am sorry you feel this way. I am not a sex worker. However; I was raised in a sexually and physically abusive home. I ran away, rendering myself basically homeless for some time. I lived in my car a couple of weeks and then started bouncing around to friends sleeping on their couches and floors. My whole childhood I never really had a “home”. When I found out I was pregnant I was mortified. I was terrified that my daughter would never have a “home”. I was terrified I would be my mother. My daughter is now 22 years old. She is happy, healthy, and loved. She never doubts that wherever I am, to her I AM HOME. You will be a great mother and I have no doubt you will give your child a great home.
    Keep your head up, we are actually at our strongest when we feel that we are weak.

    Respectfully,
    mysticlez

    1. Thank you, mysticlez! Thank you for sharing your own past and experience. This is one of the most up-beat and positive comments. I think I am now where you were 22 years ago. Seeing into the future is a bit scary, but with just a few weeks to go, I feel like we’re bonding already. Thank you so much 😘

  8. I can completely relate to the “homeless” part of your post. It has been a feeling that I have had for a little while now. I hope you find home in your heart and in your life

    Michael

    1. Thanks, Michael, and welcome back! I’m more and more confident that I will, even if I don’t know what exactly it will look like. I hope you get back there one way or the other as well. Xo

  9. I think it’s the way you feel right now. I also think once your baby is born you will feel differently. You will be home to your child. “Mother is the name for God on the lips & hearts of all children.” You will think differently. You “moved” away from your Alyssia page, but you left a part of you back there. You “moved” here to your blog, where you now live, it’s your current home and you have wonderful neighbors (sex blogging community) who welcome you and care about you. 🙂

    1. Thanks, Sassy, when I just think of my baby, you’re right, I’m optimistic and feel that everything is going to be alright. When I think of the world I bring my baby into, everything that may happen, I feel lost. You’re right about the community I have found here. It feels like a home, ‘Alyssia’ is just this factor beyond my control. Maybe I haven’t fully processed that yet. Beautiful quote of what ‘mother’ means. Where is it from? (I may be exposing my ignorance here.) Thanks a million ❤️❤️❤️

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