Freedom, St. Petersburg, Final Part

“Now what?” He asks. It’s 4:30 in the morning and he has to get to the train station to go to Moscow. I still have a few hours before I need to check out and catch my flight back to Germany and onward to JFK.

“Back to the ‘Home of the brave and the land of the free.‘” The sarcasm in my voice is probably lost at this time of day.

How can he even ask ‘Now what?’ as if he doesn’t know the answer. We’ve never before separated wondering what would come next. There was always another time; Rome, Zurich, Vienna…the list goes on. Today is different. He leaves, and there may not be a next time.

“I don’t know, you tell me.” There are only a few minutes left. Not much time for lengthy explanations. I had put my cards on the table as clearly as I could over the past four days. But I never told him what answer I was looking for. That part had to come from him. And it didn’t.

“I’ll text you from Moscow, make sure you check out on time.” He has a smile on his face, pulls up the blanket and gives me a kiss like I’m his little girl. I feel anything but girly. I push back the blanket and sit up.

“Just one more time before you go, please?” His morning boner hasn’t even passed. I can be done in a minute or two. He owes me that much.

“No, sweetie, it’s getting late and I can’t miss my train.” He never calls me ‘sweetie’. Everything, slut, cunt, whore, or just ‘F’ when he’s writing. He never uses my name. But ‘sweetie’, that’s almost an insult.

Our good-byes are always quick. This one is no exception. He turns around, grabs his suitcase, and leaves. No last look back. He never looks back. Then he’s gone. Reality sets in slowly that this may have been it.

I send him a text as I check out. Two snapshots are on my phone. One before I told him that I was pregnant, and the other he took just last night. What difference. Gone is the escort who tries to pose for pictures. Over the past four days, I turned from sex object to expectant mom. Well, almost. I’m quietly humming ‘Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose‘. I attach both before hitting ‘send’.

Back in New York, I let him know that I arrived safely. We exchange a few text messages. The last I hear of him is ‘Sweet dreams’. They won’t be sweet, but I scroll back up to the pictures I sent him leaving St. Petersburg. Whatever I may have thought before, I like the picture with the baby bump. There is so much more I have to lose than I ever thought I would. If Janice Joplin is right, I won’t see ‘Freedom’ for many years to come. And that is the best feeling in the world.


28 thoughts on “Freedom, St. Petersburg, Final Part

  1. Lots of us have woven our roles ar parents into our posts about freedom, and what you wrote actually brought a tear to my eye. Being a Mum is both the hardest and most amazing thing I have ever done and in many ways, it limits my freedoms, it would be impossible for it not to, but to have your heart bound to this tiny human being you created is just phenomenal and now my boy is nearly 8 and I get to be amazed by him every single day. You have such a wonderful journey ahead of you with your tiny bundle of joy x

    1. Thanks Floss! I’m so glad there are others out there who manage to enjoy raising a child without having to give up their kinks. I got some not so nice messages how I could do this to a child, but am glad to have the support of this community. xox

  2. Your bump is beautiful, you are beautiful and the process you/your body is going through now is also amazing, exciting and – well beautiful. You will be a tiger mom – I have no doubts about that. Your little human will be shown all the love and a great example of strength and independence by you.

    Yes your freedom is gone in some ways, but it blossoms in others. I had 2 beautiful babies, now adults who make me proud in myriad ways every day, they also support me, make me laugh, frustrate me and make me cry – it’s all good. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    Love and luck darling girl – your blogging family is standing toe to toe with you xx

  3. As you know I have both enjoyed and hated reading this series. At times I have been shouting out to you things like ” no don’t say that” – and other stuff. I felt it all so strongly – that is the power of your writing – you told it without dressing it up.
    Before I had my first child I thought that I could still be as free as I wanted to be – I would be able to choose. But the moment I looked at her I reaiised that was it really. I have my physical freedom back now they are grown but my mental freedom will never quite belong to me.
    Wishing you all the best and we are all here – it is a great community x

    1. Thanks, May. I’m probably don’t quite realize yet how my life will change. And it’s probably different for everyone. But I’m so immensely grateful for the support from you and others that I’m full of excitement for the months and years to come. There will be rough patches, and being a single mom will be its own challenge. For now, I’m enjoying the little bundle beginning to kick around a bit. xoxo

  4. very powerful post. love your sexy body You look amazing. Sorry , You didn’t get anything more then a “sweetie”
    for me being a father and grandfather is just as binding. Maybe that’s the fem in me.
    Enjoy the pregnancy and the excitement of bringing a new life into the world. You shall be a great Mother.

  5. Your pictures so beautifully reflect two of your many sides. During your pregnancy you’ll discover whole new things about your self, your body, your birth, your priorities, and how to listen to what your body and baby are trying to communicate to you. Check out Madison Young’s and Tiffany Doll’s articles and videos on being pregnant and involved in the kink/erotic lifestyle on Erika Lust’s blog and website. I have feel blessed to continue to be the primary nurturing parent with my three daughters-now 28, 30,32-and their 3 children. Make caring for yourself your first priority and listening to the messages your growing one is telling you. I’m grateful I can be present with them and their children and rediscover who I am as their parent and grandparent now. Keep a journal of this new step in your journey….and discover yourself in whole new wonderful ways, although some of the hormonal ups and downs as the baby grows, develops, is born, and enters into its 4th trimester aren’t always joyous. xoox

    1. I’ll have to look up the sites – I probably am underestimating how much my life will changes, but that’s OK. I have a feeling becoming a mother will quickly turn into my greatest kink. Even it it’s not all pretty…😘

  6. I think we all wanted a different ending, but that’s okay. We get to see the best part of this whole thing, watching you grow into becoming a mom. It will be hard but oh so rewarding. My little guy is 8 yrs old and I wouldn’t change having him for a second.
    If you choose to do kinky things after the baby then great! There are many of us doing that now and many that already have. You will change and your tastes will change but the love you have for your little one will never be less than.

    1. You’re so right, there is not much I can do about the ending, but it’s just another beginning. I can’t even imagine life 8 years from now. I hope I’ll be a good, kinky, mom. I’m certainly grateful for all the support 😘

  7. I hope you will see him again, but I know that new little life growing inside you now will bring you different kinds of freedoms too. Having children is a blessing, even though there are days it might feel like a curse. It’s never that. You look absolutely gorgeous!

    Rebel xox

    1. Thanks, Rebel. I’ve already been ‘warned’ about sleepless nights, terrible twos, and temper tantrums, vomiting, and so on. But I suppose, even though I don’t remember it, I was no different as a child. And I’m glad how things turned out 😊

  8. That is a beautiful post! I love that picture too! The other one looks virginal…the monochrome one looks seductive and mature.
    Thank you Francesca!

    1. I’m glad you liked it, Naomi. It was quite an emotional ride. I agree with you, the B&W one is nice, as are b&w ones more generally, I think. xoxoxo

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