Love never comes with a brochure of rules and regulations, a prospectus with guides of what is acceptable and what is abominable.
Quote from Truly, Madly, Deeply by Faraaz Kazi
“What if I really do love you, don’t you even care?” I burst out with more emotion than either one of us had shown all day. His hand lands a stinging slap on my freezing cheek. He walks away like nothing happened. The hotel entrance is just a few feet away, street lights on, a cold night to be outside. He disappears. I stand outside, across the street, and wait for the lights in our suite to go on. A few minutes later they do.
“I hate you!” My outburst becomes a downright scream. Tears roll down my cheek. I’m so frozen at this point, I don’t even feel my own skin. He keeps the lights low inside the warmth of our 8th floor oasis. “Asshole!” Windows open around me, not his. I’m clearly an embarrassment. I have every intention to keep it up until I get a reaction from him.
Dinner had been nice, but bland. After two days, the normal enthusiasm was gone. He just wasn’t into any of the normal shit he gets off on. No attempts at humiliation, bondage, no fucking, not even a blow job. We barely spoke. He’s not a big speaker anyway. What is it about men, dominant men? Are they all like that? Change mood and won’t even talk about it? Then they get all upset if someone who cares wants to do something special. “Go to Hell!” I scream again in his direction; the cathedral just a block behind me.
I’m not going anywhere. I’d rather freeze to death and traumatize him for the rest of his life. He fucks me when he wants, ignores me, hurts me, degrades me, and I let him. “Fuck you, bastard!” My voice is hoarse from the cold. He’s not coming back for me. I can’t stay outdoors for much longer.
During dinner, I had tried to surprise him by wearing my catsuit underneath a beige pullover and my black winter coat. He had paid no attention to what I was wearing leaving the hotel. Normally he’d be all over me, groping, touching, spanking, all in a playful way. Tonight, nothing. He was emotionally absent. I figured he’d warm up when he realizes I took the initiative to get ready for some naughty, after dinner, pictures.
I had to get him out of his funk. Why? I don’t know. We already had our talk and he didn’t seem to be in the mood of wanting to change our relationship at all. He liked the ‘pay-for-service’ arrangement I so hated. Granted, I jumped the pregnancy on him, which probably wasn’t so cool and may explained his dampened mood.
Since breakfast, his mind was somewhere else. I have no idea what made me think this was a good time to give ‘the talk‘ another try. Sometimes, difficult talks are easier after a good blow job and some scrambled eggs, while spending the morning naked in bed. This was not one of those mornings. I wanted to ask him about our future; what he felt for me. I never did. I was a wimp. But now no more.
Walking back to the hotel, I open up my coat despite the freezing cold. “Come on, just a few pictures.” Shit this is cold. Whoever said catsuits retain heat never wore one in Russia in the early winter. “I can’t stay like this long, I already can’t feel my face against the wind.” The cold is bad, but the wind is worse. Straight into the face, at quite a few degrees below freezing, the slightest breeze feels like an arctic blast.
Without a hint of enthusiasm, he takes a few quick shots, then buttons up my coat again. “Thanks, my love.” I don’t feel my lips and still give him a kiss. I can’t feel his lips either, but there is no warmth coming my way. “I love you.” He fires back a curt “shut up.” I’m on a roll. “What if I really do love you, don’t you even care?” I burst out with more emotion than either one of us had shown all day.
His hand lands a stinging slap on my freezing cheek.
“I hate you!”
“Asshole!”
“Go to Hell!”
“Fuck you, bastard!”
The balcony doors open. “Come inside, you’ll freeze to death. You’re no good to me dead.” He steps away from the doors and closes them slowly, as if waiting for me to scream something up to him in response. I know it is too late, but I have one more passionate outburst in me before he disappears completely behind the soundproof glass doors.
“I love you.” My failing voice calls helplessly into a howling gust of icy wind.
🤷♂️ I talk about how I am feeling all the time. Well.. not true. I talk to the person I am romantically involved with about how I feel all the time. Everyone else… not so much… like.. at all. It is both good for communication with my partner and a gift I reserve for them alone. A sign of trust. So to answer your question.. no.. not all doms are like that. And yes.. most dont share how they feel. But some do.
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Thanks, Hanz, I’m having one of those melt-down evenings. Thanks for letting me know that silence is not born into your breed, and open communication reserved for the few who are special.😘
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I hope you got to talk about your feelings some more, because I hate to think your love for him will go unanswered. It seems like such a shame.
Rebel xox
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We did, and I did not freeze to death. But there is still a wall that I haven’t been able to get through. I can be stubborn, too 😉
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“He’s not a big speaker anyway. What is it about men, dominant men? Are they all like that? Change mood and won’t even talk about it? Then they get all upset if someone who cares wants to do something special.”
being a man i can relate to this.this shit happens quite a lot.why i don’t know?? why we don’t want anyone to take care of us ?? we hurt whole bunch of people by this behaviour.i have no answers but the essence of these lines are so intriguing it almost forced me to again think why ?? but still no answers.
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Thanks, if you figure it out, will you let me know? I’m not giving up.😘
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Of course.if you do then please mention it.
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Hi Franchesca, I have been following this series as you know and reading your follower comments and your responses. I did previously comment “There are loads more thoughts [that I had]”, that has not changed. However, what stands out to me is that you are fully aware of whats going on and by no means a “lessor” player in this relationship. Because of my personality I feel a compultion to help and dispence my opinion, but in this instance I don’t think this is the right response. I remain a friendly follower of you blog, happy to provide any moral support you ask for.
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Thanks! I’ve just been reading some of the other posts. Not that I turn any wiser by thinking the experience of others makes mine any different from what it is. But I think you’re right, at first I felt lost, now I’m in my venting phase. I know what I want and am coming to terms that I may not get it. I think that’s turning me from a ‘lessor’ to an equal player. I really do appreciate all your support. I just hope I don’t sound too much like a drama queen. If I do, blame it on the hormones 😘
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Thanks for sharing this 😊 hormones may indeed have played a part in this but I suspect frustration is at its heart. ❤
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[…] have been following Francesca Demont’s St. Petersburg series, and loved reading those, but I hate you really touched me. She loves so deeply, and I wonder if her love will stay […]
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Love and hate – are so close in a mad passionate way – This series is quiet difficult to read – I really feel your hurt x
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Thanks, May. Writing it out definitely helps. 😘
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Oh, this is hurtful. I can only imagine your feeling of pain from this. Hugs 💜
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Thanks! It got better (a little) afterwards, though I’m still going through my phase where I just want to vent my frustration. Men….😘
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Yep. Frustrating beyond belief sometimes….
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He may be the one who is really cold, fearful of what warming up to you in new ways may do to his definition of himself, his worth, his present understanding of what dominance is. I see you as confronting him, care-fronting him, confronting him with your caring, offering your caring to him which he may not be able to accept or even explore.
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I like the ‘care-fronting’ him. There may. E something to it. 🤔
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Care-fronting is so much more helpful in relationships than confrontation unless the people are real neanderthals and super up tight and tight assed. I believe there are a number of articles and books on this. I learned about it and started using it in my love & friend & work relationships maybe 30+ years ago. Let me know if you’d like more information.
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Feel free to DM me the name of a book that you found helpful. Sounds like a good way to gain a different perspective. xo
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Oh this is so tough witnessing you going through this. I hope he doesn’t stay stony throughout this, but maybe he isn’t as emotionally ready for this as you are. Perhaps he’s only fuck buddy material after all.
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He definitely is fuck buddy material, beyond that, there is a big question mark. xo
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Yes, your narrative was taking me to that conclusion too. Perhaps he needs to test out for himself how he feels. You’ve had more time (and the pregnancy hormones) to help you adjust.
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I’ve reached the same conclusion, at least for now. And in the meantime, I’m not putting my life on hold. xo
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Absolutely
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[…] my screaming incident, I finally went back inside. The door to our room was open, no sounds, just the running of the […]
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