‘Hurt me, I can take it’ – St. Petersburg, Part 2

With the offer of an all expenses paid weekend in St. Petersburg came the unsolicited transfer of several thousand Euros. I haven’t been working as an escort for a while now, all my profiles are gone, there is absolutely no indication that I am expecting to be paid for my time. And yet, he continues to pay me like I’m for sale.

I hate it, not enough to say ‘no’, but enough to be irritated by it. Before going to St. Petersburg, I had the will and determination to find out whether he thought of me as a body for hire, or something more. We have plenty in common, kinks, fetishes, love of travel and adventure. Over the years that I’ve known him, I have changed. I never really needed the money from being an escort, but it was helpful. I found being an escort was a great way to combine meeting people, traveling, with my desire to please others, be dominated, and willingly submit to the right person.

While the success rate was low, he had always been able to make me his submissive. To humiliate me, punish me, and, yes, to want to be dominated by him. Not just during our paid time, but beyond. Now that I’m no longer an escort, no longer ‘charge’ for my time, finding time with him should take our relationship forward. Maybe there is something growing that can lead to a serious D/s relationship.

I am ready to give him a gift, the gift of my submission to him. Only, though, if he also takes on the responsibility of being my Dom. Money destroys this dynamic. He is not really responsible, because he pays and can walk away whenever he wants. I don’t really submit, because he pays me to do so. How could he ever tell the difference? How could I ever tell the difference?

Before I have a chance to bring up the topic, he begins to take pictures of me. I’m dressed in a fully transparent latex dress, I’m his model. He gets to live out his kink, seeing me in humiliating, erotic, fetish clothes; taking pictures of me. I’m an object. There is no dialogue. He dictates what I do, how I stand, where I look. I may as well be an object he hired to wear his idea of fetish clothes.

I’m trying to changes the subject. “So this is what you pay me for?” Hoping to evoke some kind of reaction. He’s too busy getting the right angle and lighting. “You know, you could just fuck me instead.” Still no discernible reaction. “You could probably do the same thing with other girls and they’d be paying you.” He’s cold as stone. Going about his work.

Another series of pictures and he puts the camera down. Sitting back on the couch, he begins to talk.

“You think you know me, but you don’t. I don’t know you either, apart from the few days we get to spend together each year. I’ve noticed the small changes, how your links disappear from escort sites, how your body isn’t what it used to be, how you no longer look like ‘late 20s’ as your profile said when we first met. That’s all fine, we all move on, we all age. But we don’t become different people.” I was trying to get a word in, but he pushed me onto the bed and held his hand over my mouth. Not forcefully, just to make it clear, it was his turn to do the talking.

“There is a wonderful line that I remember from a play I once saw. I may be a little off, but it goes something like this: ‘I am who I am, because you are who you are, and you are who you are, because I am who I am. But if you are no longer who you are, then who am I?” He looks at me and pauses. I don’t quite understand.

“I think of you as the fetish loving, submissive, escort. That’s who you are. If that’s who you are, then I can be the person you know. And I like the person you know.” I sit up and give him a sweet kiss. Yes, I like the person he is. A lot.

“If you are no longer an escort, if I don’t pay you, then you are no longer who you are, and I am no longer who I am. It changes everything.” I shake my head, no, it doesn’t have to change anything.

“If I’m no longer the person you know, I may not be a person you like. I may not be the person I like. What if I begin to take you for granted, see you as ‘normal’, see myself as just another person in a long list of people who had the privilege to fuck you?”

“What are you saying?” I’m more than a little confused. Maybe this is all about him, how the money makes him feel, not about me at all.

“I’m saying that I know parts of me that are not pretty. Why do you think I started seeing you as an escort? You make me a better person. I pay you, and then do everything I can to make you forget that I paid you. If I don’t pay you, then I would be my regular self, with all my faults, because I don’t have to make you forget you about the money.”

“And what about me? Have you ever thought about how the money makes me feel?”

“No, and I don’t want to. I pay you, so I don’t have to. You don’t have to see me, you have a choice. All I know is that I treat you better, with more respect and care, with more energy and thought, when you are a slut, a whore, a fucking escort. If you’re a person I care for, you are no longer a filthy, dirty, cock-sucking pig. You become a person. And I’m not good with people. I hurt them. I would hurt you. Please don’t make me.”

All I can think is ‘hurt me, I can take it.’ It’s easier getting hurt in the open than feeling hurt and having to smile. I look at the pictures on his camera. That’s who I am to him. An object to make him feel better. It’s true, I don’t know him, but I know myself and I’m more than an object he can download on his computer.

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22 comments

  1. > You become a person. And I’m not good with people. I hurt them. I would hurt you. Please don’t make me.”

    > All I can think is ‘hurt me, I can take it.’

    That… might not be the kind of hurt you can take. Yes, you are more than an object he can download, and he is more than a client showering you in money, gifts and trips. And maybe you have outgrown being reduced to a thing he can rent and use as he pleases and want him to treat you like a human sometimes. But his warning seems sincere and is worth taking seriously. Do you really want to know what his “regular self is like”? Maybe you do, and maybe you can, but a step like that might not be reversible if you regret it later. It seems that he is not just going with the flow, but had thought things through, judging by the quotes, and has decided against changing the arrangement. Still, more communication is warranted, if possible. There are unanswered questions, unlifted masks and unshared feelings. Eh, no idea what I am talking about, but thank you for posting this latest installment of your St. Petersburg adventures!

    Liked by 4 people

    • I have to agree that those phrases stood out to me too and @mastersmusings thoughts also resonate with mine.

      On a personal note, “if that’s who you are, then I can be the person you know. And I like the person you know.”, really really stood out to me. I have two persona’s, the legacy real life me and another, an ever growing and strengthening side which I predominately live out through my blog. My Mr Hyde. I get the feeling you have met your Dr Jekyll. My point is that it can be frightning from some people to transition relationships between their “alter” ego selves and real life selves, for so many reasons.

      …. There are loads more thoughts which I don’t fully know how to properly articulate and even if I can, is it my place to do so. You are strong, pragmatic and living your life with your eyes open. Thank you for sharing, as always you posts are both entertaining and challenging.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Thanks! Whenever you feel you can articulate them, please do. I know that different settings bring out different personalities. I myself can be a real ass. Or incredibly sweet and charming. I like both, but can control which one it’s going to be. Most people have a dark side. I just think that is ok and shouldn’t be something to be afraid of. We’re all good and bad to some extent. 😘

        Liked by 1 person

    • I always appreciate your comments, even if you may think you have no idea what you’re talking about. You do have an idea. This is not going to be an easy communication and the trip to St. Petersburg, as awesome as it was, did not get me much further. I just think there is a good reason not to give up. 😘

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow, that is deep, and I do get where he is coming from, even though I understand that it is not what you want to hear. Somehow I think he cares deeply about you, but doesn’t want to let it come to the surface because he is afraid his ‘real self’ wil push you away and he never gets to see you again. Thank you for sharing something so intimate!

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh Francesca – I understand what he is saying – and I think the dynamic has already changed in your head but he is resisting that – even though he is aware of it.
    I want to tell you to run because the type of hurt he is capable of inflicting on you scars from the inside out. Please tread carefully x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, May. I’m beginning to think it’s a lost cause. I’m certainly not counting on this relationship ever being ‘the one’. But my head is still resisting. I have a habit of thinking that I can change people, which I know is virtually impossible, but it’s hard to admit that. Thanks for your support!😘

      Like

  4. Such an entertaining piece but full of questions and quandries.

    You look awesome in that dress as always – so distracting from the deep topics you and the man discussed. I am no expert but I do hear warning bells and sense a stubbornness in your attitude which may not be helpful in this instance.

    Think more and tread carefully, but I’m delighted you shared this excellent post.

    Like

      • I think its great how you know yourself, and the man sounds the same. I think if he says beware, you’d better believe him! Try it his way, with the boundaries which are clearly for your protection … but most people’s emotions won’t stay in boxes!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can see what he’s saying. I suppose there is an understandable fear in him about changing your dynamic. But of course that leaves you in this difficult position. I’m sorry that the Russia trip didn’t go the way you’d hoped. 💐😘

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is truly fascinating. From the other side, this is one reason why my former mistress couldn’t stand being a pro-domme, the objectification and the client dictating the encounter because he’d paid. In the end, it broke her.

    You tell of things I understand from one perspective and give a glimpse of the other side. I’m sorry that he’s not able to go with you and I’m conflicted reading this because I understand both positions. This is a lovely, bittersweet post.

    melody 🌹🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for you’re comments – makes me feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s about one person being right or bad, it’s just a dynamic that has been the foundation of our relationship. Whether that can ever change, I don’t know. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

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