Packing up for a Weekend of Kink, Fetish, and being strong.

I’m leaving this afternoon for St. Petersburg in Russia and I’m nervous as hell. It’s not the first time I’m travelling — far from it. I’ve been to Russia before, even with the person I’m traveling with. But this feels different. I have a different life, maybe he has too. I know what I feel for him, but have no idea what he thinks of me.

In the past, all of our encounters have been of the escort nature. That’s how we got to know each other. We both love kinky trips. Doing things that nobody else would do. Going out in latex dresses to elegant restaurants. He is not into the heavy rubber stuff, he likes the elegance of latex. And the public display of his ‘pet’. He treats me like his personal pet. Not in the ‘petplay’ sense, but in the interactions we have. I do what he says, and he shows me off. It’s not even about sex, although that tends to come along as well.

What really makes him tick is the daring outfits I wear in public. Whether it’s a catsuit underneath my clothes, or going out in a elegant, but skimpy latex dress. He wants to show me off. I like that he know what he wants. I want to please him, and there is so much more I want.

He has no idea that I’m writing a blog, the last couple of entries have been very personal. What happens in the next couple of days is a huge mystery. I wished I had the courage to tell him how I feel. I don’t just have the trip paid for; he continues to treat me like an escort and pays me just to be with him. As much as that was appropriate and what I wanted at the beginning of our relationship, now that I have a different life, and don’t need his money, I feel very different about it.

There is nobody between us, no agency, no ‘contract’, no obligation for him to pay me anything. Yet he does, and I don’t know why. It drives me crazy as I’m standing over my suitcase trying to figure out what to pack. Maybe I should go entirely without any fetish gear, just to spend time with him. We can still have a fabulous time. But maybe what he wants is the kinky side of me. I just don’t know.

I want to find out how he feels about me, about us. But I’m scared to destroy what we have. We live in different parts of the world. While we see each other regularly, there are weeks, if not months where I don’t hear from him. I don’t even know if he is in a relationship with someone else and just spends time with me on the side. Really, I don’t know anything about the person I’ve known for several years now and want to know better.

There is so much history we have, but money has always stood between expressing my feelings for him, and perhaps knowing what he feels about me. He already send the money to my account. I can’t pretend that he didn’t pay me. As much as I look forward to this trip, I don’t know whether he expects me to be his escort, his occasional companion, his play partner, his friend, lover…

I may not find out where we are going with this in the coming months or years during the coming days. I hope I have the courage to be honest with him, to be myself, and let the chips fall where they may. I’m not an escort anymore, I’m not for hire, not for purchase. I’m done with ‘pretend’ relationships. I’m writing this post for myself. To remember what so many have told me. Be myself. Be honest, genuine, and strong.

I’ll be back before Halloween. It will be one to remember – one way or the other.

Sinful Sunday

24 comments

    • Sorry for the late response – I took a complete break from social media while in St. Petersburg. Thanks for your note. I’m not sure it all went the way I had hoped, but an amazing city and still a great time. What the future holds? I don’t know.

      Liked by 1 person

      • No worries about a late response, a break from social media is always good. I’ve thought of lots of replies to your St. Petersburg trip. You seem a strong and wise womam, I am sure this illusive future we continiously face, you will take in your stride.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This is why communication is so important. Not just about limits or play, but about the dynamic as a whole. Talk to him. Find out what he views as the ideal dynamic between you. And tell him what your own ideal dynamic would look like. Remember.. he is a man. And all men are dence as bricks and wouldn’t catch a hint if you staple it to their dick. So be clear. If he is half the dom you feel he is he will thank you for it.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I wish you strength, resilience and courage, that you may find the opportunity and space to have the conversations and ask for the answers you so desperately seek, and that they are as you may hope. Safe travels x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Kis. I’m afraid I only made it to about a quarter of the talk that I wanted to have. Maybe I, or he, or we, need more time. Part amazing, part infuriating.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I can relate to that, sometimes there needs to be a bit of breathing space in between parts…I hope that you are ale to find the time and space to explore the rest of the conversation together soon xx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely looks like it will be one to remember, if you have the courage to open that one spooky door! And you don’t strike me as a timid human afraid to open scary-looking doors.

    Sometimes it’s worth thinking through the possible outcomes, where they lead and whether you can live with them. Maybe even writing them down and imagining your life after each one. Your feeling after each one, if you are in tune with your feelings enough to be able to predict them. And maybe you will decide that this particular door is best left unopen, who knows. Unlikely, given that you seem primed for THE TALK, but possible.

    Another point. It doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing right away. You said “I do what he says, and he shows me off.” Odds are, he only feels secure that you would do that for him when it is a transactional arrangement. If you are super happy to be his pet without money attached, that might be something to bring up. Assuming that you are, of course. Do you like it in general, or do you do it because that is what he expects from you? Maybe even suggest an experiment where you are playing the same part, but without being paid for it. He might be unhappy about it if paying his pet is an important emotional part of the arrangement for him. I can certainly see that as a possibility. Even if he is emotionally attached to you, paying for your services could be one of his kinks. In that case you may end up in a real relationship where he still pays you for your “services”. Kinks come in many shapes and sizes, don’t they?

    Ok, one more point 🙂 You said “Maybe I should go entirely without any fetish gear, just to spend time with him.” If he gets off on showing you off, that might not work all that well, what do you think?

    Definitely interesting few days lie ahead!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Sorry for the slow response – I totally disconnected from social media while I was in SPB. I did bring plenty of gear. I thought about various scenarios and we had ‘a talk’, if not exactly ‘the talk’. Until I re-read your note, it didn’t really occur to me that part of paying me may be his ‘kink’. That would be an interesting one. I don’t know how much progress I made. I need to let it sit for a while. Money is definitely an issue. It just baffles me why either I am to afraid to be perfectly blunt about it, or he is too evasive to give me a straight answer. But we had an awesome time in any case. Plenty of memories to share 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  4. A very personal post, I’m very much reminded of my “thing with mW”, dates & arrangements confirmed, in retrospect, every boundary was pushed or ignored. It IS difficult to broach, under the topic of “fresh boundaries”, it may be possible to gauge the lay of the land without showing all your cards.
    I do hope you have a fantastic vacation and you find a way to share your thoughts for a positive outcome xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! Oh, I did have a fabulous time. I definitely didn’t show all of my cards and I have not quite digested yet whether that was intentional or because I was afraid of the answer. In any case, he did not respond in a way that gave me a lot of clarity. I’m oscillating between being infuriated and embarrassed that I let one opportunity slip after the other. But at least no step backward,…..she says to make herself feel better. 😘

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    • I’m stopping over with my family and catching up. I definitely had fun. Impossible not to! But not everything went the way I had hoped. I’ll definitely be spending the next weeks digesting where we stand, and writing about it (plus all the fun parts 😉). I need the therapy.

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  5. Good luck, Francesca. Know that we’re rooting for you, and sending you positive thoughts and wishes. Fingers crossed that you will find the moment to tell him how you feel, and fingers crossed the two of you can explore and discuss a change in the dynamic. 💟

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks! And now I have plenty more to write about. Not all went the way I had hoped, but I’m sure glad that Russia is a very kink friendly place.😘

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Sindee. I’m back (sort of, back with family in Germany for a few days), and I think I let my instincts take the lead. I’m just not sure my instincts were always in tune with my head. I had, actually, we had a great time. What comes next is still an open question, but I’m still standing and am not about to give up.😘

      Liked by 1 person

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