I’m leaving this afternoon for St. Petersburg in Russia and I’m nervous as hell. It’s not the first time I’m travelling — far from it. I’ve been to Russia before, even with the person I’m traveling with. But this feels different. I have a different life, maybe he has too. I know what I feel for him, but have no idea what he thinks of me.

In the past, all of our encounters have been of the escort nature. That’s how we got to know each other. We both love kinky trips. Doing things that nobody else would do. Going out in latex dresses to elegant restaurants. He is not into the heavy rubber stuff, he likes the elegance of latex. And the public display of his ‘pet’. He treats me like his personal pet. Not in the ‘petplay’ sense, but in the interactions we have. I do what he says, and he shows me off. It’s not even about sex, although that tends to come along as well.

What really makes him tick is the daring outfits I wear in public. Whether it’s a catsuit underneath my clothes, or going out in a elegant, but skimpy latex dress. He wants to show me off. I like that he know what he wants. I want to please him, and there is so much more I want.

He has no idea that I’m writing a blog, the last couple of entries have been very personal. What happens in the next couple of days is a huge mystery. I wished I had the courage to tell him how I feel. I don’t just have the trip paid for; he continues to treat me like an escort and pays me just to be with him. As much as that was appropriate and what I wanted at the beginning of our relationship, now that I have a different life, and don’t need his money, I feel very different about it.

There is nobody between us, no agency, no ‘contract’, no obligation for him to pay me anything. Yet he does, and I don’t know why. It drives me crazy as I’m standing over my suitcase trying to figure out what to pack. Maybe I should go entirely without any fetish gear, just to spend time with him. We can still have a fabulous time. But maybe what he wants is the kinky side of me. I just don’t know.

I want to find out how he feels about me, about us. But I’m scared to destroy what we have. We live in different parts of the world. While we see each other regularly, there are weeks, if not months where I don’t hear from him. I don’t even know if he is in a relationship with someone else and just spends time with me on the side. Really, I don’t know anything about the person I’ve known for several years now and want to know better.

There is so much history we have, but money has always stood between expressing my feelings for him, and perhaps knowing what he feels about me. He already send the money to my account. I can’t pretend that he didn’t pay me. As much as I look forward to this trip, I don’t know whether he expects me to be his escort, his occasional companion, his play partner, his friend, lover…

I may not find out where we are going with this in the coming months or years during the coming days. I hope I have the courage to be honest with him, to be myself, and let the chips fall where they may. I’m not an escort anymore, I’m not for hire, not for purchase. I’m done with ‘pretend’ relationships. I’m writing this post for myself. To remember what so many have told me. Be myself. Be honest, genuine, and strong.

I’ll be back before Halloween. It will be one to remember – one way or the other.

Sinful Sunday