Used Body for Sale

I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘relationship’. Well, at least not when it comes to having a healthy, lasting relationship with someone I care about. Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve come across so many wonderful people who live with their partners in exciting, healthy, and often unconventional D/s relationships. Some for shorter periods, others for many years. I have never had a relationship that wasn’t based on selling my body.

Now that I’m entering my mid-30s, I’m no longer looking to make money off my body. I’m not an escort anymore. This may read like an add on a dating website, and perhaps that’s what I’ve been reduced to, but I’m actually a really nice person. I don’t look like the unapproachable model that I was portrayed as in my escort pictures. I’m actually very average in my looks. There are many women who are more attractive than I am in my age range. Hell, for that matter, there are more attractive women who are significantly older than I am.

I’m also not this super-kinky person who always needs that excitement in a personal relationship. I don’t want to be spoiled the way I was often as an escort. I’m actually very much down to earth. Sure I have my kinks and fetishes, but they are just for fun. I don’t need them to have a fulfilling relationship, I think.

And that’s the point. I don’t know what I’m looking for in a relationship, because I have never had one. Am I under the illusion of having had one? Yes, but I realize that it’s just a mirage. Can a relationship, no matter how sincere, really be based on sex for money? By now, I don’t want the money part anymore, but the one person who I could see myself with for many years, pays me to be with him.

He used to be a client. I’ve known him for the past four years. Our first date was short, but the chemistry was there right away. Our second date was three days in Moscow. That’s not what I would normally do as an escort. I hardly knew him and yet felt comfortable spending several days with him in a place I didn’t know. He gave me the instant security that everything would be alright. It was beyond alright.

I saw him about four or five times when I was still working for an escort agency. He didn’t know my real name, everything was fake. He paid the normal rate through my agency. The money was good, though I was already on my way out of the business. Still, I wanted to see him whenever possible. The problem was just that I could never initiate the contact. It all went through my life as an escort. I was by contract even prohibited from establishing any personal contact with him.

That changed when I left the agency. It was not a clean cut by any means. I shared my contact information with him, but had assumed that he would move on to the next girl. I wasn’t a person for him, I was for service, or maybe just a sales item. Those are my words, not his.

The thrill of seeing him again after I left the agency was indescribable. We went to Rome, saw each other again in New York, spent a week in Greece. I became his travel companion. There is little he doesn’t know about me, and I know much about him. We’re compatible and our time together is always magical.

And then there is the old ‘for sale’ sign that still hangs around my neck. He pays me. Not because he has to, I don’t ask for it. I don’t have a price tag, no fees, none of what I used to have as an escort. But he treats me just the same. I don’t say no when he pays me. Maybe I should. He doesn’t ask whether he should pay me, he just does.

I feel flattered and demeaned. Maybe he likes the emotional distance that money creates. Maybe he thinks that’s the only reason why I still travel with him. Am I so poor at communicating genuine affection? Do I have a sign hanging around me that says ‘Used Body for Sale’? I don’t dare ask him. I’m just glad we are still seeing each other. It may be a one-way ticket to nowhere, but it’s still a journey I feel is worth taking.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

22 comments

  1. Francesca, this is such a touching post. We all sell ourselves for various reasons, for some money, others validation or status and I think for many it’s sharing life’s load. What stands out to me is the honesty you have to yourself.

    When you admit the limitations you currently face, you can focus on and enjoy the positives which is appeares that you do. What is the value in following a conventional path when you still get drawn into the negatives that possibly that life presents?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was so open and honest and it really made an impact on me. It sounds like a really hard situation but at the heart of all good relationships is communication. I think that until you find someone who you can be truly open and honest with about what you needs are, it might not feel ‘real’ for you. It must be very hard to open up with someone when so far you have always had to keep what you really needed and wanted inside, or at least to the outside of the arrangement you have made. I hope that you find what you are looking for soon – you are a lovely person who has lots to offer ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think it’s so hard on yourself to title this ‘used body for sale’. You are a person that deserves to have love and shouldn’t feel ashamed of choosing to earn money in a particular way. Having just turned 30 there is so much more life to enjoy in whatever way you want. If this person makes you happy regardless of money then it’s a relationship worth chasing.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It seems that your body you share freely to him, it’s the used mind that is for sale now, still stuck in the rut of the old transactional model that no longer fits the realities.

    I understand that direct communication on a topic like that is really hard. Wonder, does he read your blog? If so, how does he react? If not, maybe this particular entry is worth sharing, after taking a deep breath.

    Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, I always appreciate your perspective. He doesn’t know about the blog. To the best of my knowledge, none of my rl friends do. I’ll have to take a really big breath to show him this post, but you’re right about the difference between body and mind. I’ll think about it. 😘

      Liked by 2 people

  5. This is such an open and honest post. Even though I haven’t been an escort, somehow I can understand how you feel with him still paying you, but I hardly think he sees a ‘used body for sale’, but a beautiful woman he wants to spoil in some or other way. Thank you for sharing this.

    Rebel xox

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yes indeed it is easier to be free and one self on our blogs. Opening up can be very scary on mnay levels. But like others have written You are a strong smart and beautiful woman. You will make good choices for yourself as you always have.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, sindee! I love having this outlet where I can say what’s on my mind and find a supportive community. I cannot tell you how much this helps and means to me.😘

      Like

  7. You are likely not seeking advice, but simply telling your story to explore the dynamics and possibilities. I sense fear in your post. Possibly the fear of losing him if you are honest with him? Maybe your fears are for nought. Just a thought…Sometimes people can surprise you. Your worth and value is beyond a dollar amount. He obviously sees that, as he continues to enjoy your company. He, like you, may simply not know how else to go about this relationship with you. Your are both bound by social guidelines and expectations that are out of date for who and where you are now.

    I’ll be interested to see where th is goes. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Brigit. I think there may be something to it, I definitely don’t want to lose him, so I stick with what works. We may both be caught by our own past. Maybe I be need a glass of wine to say how I feel straight out. There will be updates, promise. 😘

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  8. This is such a touching and honest post, Francesca. It must be a tough situation to be in, and causing you to question. I understand the desire to keep seeing him, even although those barriers are still there. Sometimes, the truth is, that in our attraction for certain people, we take whatever they are willing to give us.

    Thank you for sharing this experience. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for sharing this open and honest post with us, Francesca. I think our fears of rejection often keeps stuck in a place where we are unsure about what is what, and where to go from there. I can understand that you’d rather have the connection you have with him now and that maybe have to face the consequence of no connection at all. It is a difficult position you are in, especially if you are unsure about what exactly you are looking for in a relationship. Sometimes it might just be best to enjoy what we have and see where it leads instead of actively seeking what society tells us about our needs. Communication is key in all relationships though, and even if one of the possible outcomes of having a talk with him about all of this could be rejection, another possible outcomes could just be that he feels the same way about your connection (and only pays you because he assumes he needs to do that).

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    • Thanks, DS! He’s the person I’m seeing for the next couple of days in St. Petersburg. You’re so right that getting trapped in a sort of relationship, where we don’t communicate about what we may or may not want, works for a little while, but doesn’t lead anywhere in the end. I don’t know if this is the right time to bring it up. There is definitely the fear of finding out that it’s the money that makes him comfortable with the arrangement. It’s a way of shutting down the emotional part, something I still suffer from. I don’t know how it’s going to go, but whatever happens, I really grateful that I have your support. In the end, I guess there is only one way to find out. Maybe it’s this time, maybe next time. I’m just not sure if I can handle it at the moment. I guess I’ll find out soon. We’re meeting up in Frankfurt early Saturday on the flight to Russia. xo

      Liked by 1 person

  10. […] With the offer of an all expenses paid weekend in St. Petersburg came the unsolicited transfer of several thousand Euros. I haven’t been working as an escort for a while now, all my profiles are gone, there is absolutely no indication that I am expecting to be paid for my time. And yet, he continues to pay me like I’m for sale. […]

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