I don’t trust (safe) words #F4T

Fair warning, none of what I am about to write should be interpreted as applying to anyone but myself. This is not a guide, not common practice, and probably wildly different from many other points of view on the subject of ‘safe words’. Actually, after suggesting the use of safe words as prompt, I was quite please that May and Floss adjusted the prompt to include ‘words that make us feel safe’. There are things that make me feel safe, they just happen to be ‘words’ that are unspoken.

In many ways, I’m damaged goods. I have had many interactions with people who I did not know, who expected me to do as they say — that’s what most people assume when they hire an escort who openly advertises her willingness to be a sub in BDSM scenes. This is, of course, not the typical scenario. However, it left a lasting impact on me.

Most had some understanding of BDSM and wanted to live our their desire to be in the dominant position. They typically read-up on the subject, but few had much, if any real life experience. Using a ‘safe word’ was one aspect that almost everyone was familiar with. What few understood, was the nature of a D/s dynamic. How could they, after paying to more or less get what they wanted?

In a power structure where the dominant partner is not only given the responsibility, but on top has paid for a service, there is effectively no safe word. I learned early on that experiencing power over another person, for possibly the first time, can easily lead to an abandonment of caution. Almost like getting drunk for the first time. Surely, so the thinking goes, ‘red’, ‘stop’, ‘no’ are just part of the game, meant to make the dominant, paying, client feel even more powerful. The power to ignore a safe word is intoxicating for the novice.

So, rule number one, for me, was never to trust a safe word. I had to be in control of the situation at all times, rather than being a sub, I was the bottom who directed the scene more like a magician tricking the audience. The notion that a ‘fetish escort’ would throw caution into the wind and let a stranger possible harm her, inadvertently or not, is an illusion. Over time, this meant that I developed a genuine mistrust of words, and an excellent instinct for personality traits.

Now that I’ve been out of the escort business for a few years, I realize the ups and downs. Earning my trust is both easy and hard. Trust, more than words, allow me to engage in safe, sane, and consensual behavior. Few people have earned that level of trust, and it cannot be gained through negotiations, promises, agreements, or safe words. When I do trust a person, it is deep, to the point where body, emotions, and sexual responses are my language. I don’t use words during intense scenes. But I constantly communicate.

I am not in a D/s relationship and I don’t anticipate being in one anytime soon. Still, I crave being a sub, giving up control, pleasing my partner, and transcending my own boundaries. I have one former client, now a friend, with whom I travel for several days at a time. We have never used a safe word. I have done fairly extreme kinks following his lead, not knowing what was going to happen. Zero safety-net. He is not my partner, could walk away at any moment, and has absolutely no responsibility for me. And yet, I’ve been his sub for days at a time in more countries that I can count on two hands.

This sounds insane. But it works. And I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

F4Thought

20 comments

  1. Really interesting post Francesca, and you’ve highlighted something that I’ve mentioned on the others; that doing what works for you is important but it may not work for someone else. Knowing why is the key I think. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, I think that’s what’s so difficult to convey, despite all the rules and etiquette, in the end, there has to be a real understanding of the ‘why’.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Totally, the intention behind anything kink related is the underlying story and reasons why something is done that way it is it not at all. Not doing it because it is how someone thinks things should be done or how other people do it.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. An interesting insight into a BDSM escort and to your personal story. It strikes me how the nature of the relationship between two people and importance of trust have a huge bearing on the effectiveness of safe words.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This made me think back to the very first time I (tried unsuccessfully) to introduce BDSM into my previous relationship. The notion of safewords didn’t quite resonate with him because and even though I did and still do trust that man to the ends of the earth and back with my life, I didn’t trust him to understand that ‘red’ wasn’t part of the game. So thought the paths travelled are very different for us both, I can see where you are coming from with this. It’s great to have so many different voices chiming in on this, so thank you for suggesting it for this week’s prompt x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad your path ended up in a different place. It’s going to be interesting to get the highlights out of this round. Thanks for picking up on the suggestion!

      Like

  4. Excellent post Francesca – I find the life you lead facinating and learn so much from your articles.

    “that I developed a genuine mistrust of words, and an excellent instinct for personality traits” – I can so see how this would occur for you – and it was a necessary evolution too x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. When I saw the intro to the prompt I was intrigued as to what you would write.

    From your perspective I can really appreciate that you’d have little or no trust in safewords. It made perfect sense when you clarified as to being a professional bottom rather than a sub in order to keep control. I imagine most clients didn’t know the difference and were happy with it.

    I do kind of shudder at the inherent dangers. A novice top getting drunk on power and ignoring the safeword, others seeing it as a challenge to make you safeword.

    Your writings are a wonderful window into a world rarely seen and I always look forward to your posts. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! That was the idea behind the prompt. My experience is so different that there is nothing safe about a safeword, but I’m curious how others feel about it. You’re absolutely right about the lack of understanding between a sub and a bottom. 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I have to admit this is my first visit to your blog and I need to read more. I also have to say that I had never thought about the challenges of using a safe word in an escort situation. A great post and really thought provoking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! Please do roam around, it’s (almost) all based on my personal experience, though at times with some fictional elements. All pictures, with the exception of one, are my own. Hope you enjoy it.😘

      Like

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