By now, I suspect, most readers know that Clarice is the main character in my first full-length erotic novel. She is obviously a fictional character. Although loosely based on my own life experience. She comes with a few extras that I wished I had, but fall for now in the realm of fiction, or even fantasy. Still, Clarice is a part of me, and I believe a part of all of us.
When I first started writing ‘Clarice’, I wanted explain what it is like to be an escort, meeting a client for the first time. I’m personally very shy, but Clarice didn’t have to be. That may sound odd, how can an escort be shy? Well, she can if her role is to be the submissive in a fetish-based escort scenario. I don’t have to make decisions, I follow where my client’s lead. I don’t get involved, am almost emotionally distant, but put on a good show in whatever capacity my client likes to see me. When it’s done, it’s done.
Then a funny thing happened, Clarice was born. I could express her interests, her internal struggle, her desire to be more than a submissive escort. That’s when the story took off. She takes risks that an escort never would take. She is even considering becoming a rubber slave and giving up her career as an escort. Not only that, she is willing to move to another country, just to be with her new Master.
Do I wish I had been someone’s slave, rather than an escort with my own apartment and day-job? Sometimes, yes. I suspect there are quite a few men and women, who wouldn’t mind having fewer responsibilities, having to make few decisions. Mistresses do make a lot more money for doing a lot less (that’s my personal impression; don’t ask me to back that up, this isn’t science class). As a fantasy, that’s great. In real life, well, probably not so much. That’s not to say that there aren’t wonderful couples all over the world who life a D/s lifestyle. For them, I’m happy.
Now that Clarice was a rubber slave, another fantasy of mine started creeping into the storyline. I wanted life to be exciting, a bit like the ‘Total Recall’ movies, where I’m, I mean Clarice, is important and can do things she never thought possible. She thrives on her eroticism and can control other people through her touch and presence. At first, by accident, later on purpose.
I had always wanted to have latex as a real skin. Not something that I could put on and take off later. As Clarice, her Master found a way to make this a reality. I won’t tell you how, but based on the research I’ve done, it would actually be feasible, or at least worth some genius catsuit maker giving it a try (Peter, from Fantastic Rubber???).
Now that she’s someone, she is caught in a global web of Masters and Slaves. She attempts to escape numerous times, but always ends up being caught again, and again. The hunt takes her from New York, to Zurich, Greece, and London.
I had sprinkled in some of my favorite parts of being an escort. I realized early on that I loved having sex with women just as much as with men. That theme becomes ever more pronounced as the book progresses. There are a number of very intimate lesbian scenes, many of them involve my latex fetish as well. They were among my most favorite parts to write.
As Clarice’s character matures in the book, her friends and foes characters become more fully developed. Yet, she still doesn’t know who she can trust and who is deceitful. This brings out her dark side. She is no longer the happy escort that she was at the beginning. She now realizes how cruel the world can be, and she is the hunted. As it turns out, the dark side is what gives her powers.
It is hard for Clarice to think of herself as having an evil side. When she is put to the test in London, she is supposed to be the one who is to be tormented by an experienced Master who likes serious edge play. She wants to find out how strong her will and her powers are. I always wondered myself why in some situations, when people are pushed to the edge, they seem to be able to muster strength beyond their limits. I wanted, through Clarice, experience what that must be like.
In the end, Clarice makes a fateful decision that changes everything. Another person, not nearly as strong as she is, takes her place. Clarice walks away, without regret, beginning a new life.
The end is very personal. The first time I came to New York, part of which is in the book, I was overwhelmed by the city. But I knew one thing. If I was ever going to become someone, it was going to be here. I love the fetish scene in Berlin and try to go back as much as I can, but nothing is as intoxicating as the energy and confidence of succeeding at something in Manhattan. (I won’t tell what that something is – it’s not writing…)
After that first visit, I knew that, eventually, I wanted to begin a new chapter in my life. Being an escort was surprisingly enjoyable for me. I met some wonderful people and travelled more than I expected. Now I live in New York and being an escort is, almost, entirely in my past. The more my escort life recedes into the past, the more I question if I will ever write another ‘Clarice’ book. Probably not.
I may even switch genres altogether and move toward non-fiction. Although I usually frown upon anything that calls itself non-fiction as it is always written from the perspective of the author who cannot possibly separate herself (or himself for that matter) from the subject. — making it in the end more fictional than many books written under the ‘fiction’ label.
I’ll always sprinkle some erotica into my writing, though what I really want to do is change the way strangers come together over shared experiences. I’ve lost my innocence. People are different, with strongly held beliefs. In my experience, children and fiction brings them together. Whether Utopia or Dystopia, surprisingly, daily disagreements fall by the wayside. I hope ‘Clarice’ will endure on the bookshelves and be enjoyed by people across racial, gender, and cultural borders. Just look for the deeper story behind the facade. Clarice is in all of us.